Surely it has happened to you at some point. You are trying to vent, tell about a stressful situation and then… “What you have to do is…” Have you felt that warm anger that invades you? You’re not the only person who feels it. The vast majority of us don’t want to be told what to do, and there is a psychological reason.

In this particular example, the desire to receive emotional validation, and not advice, is also involved. And, in many cases, we tend to try to solve the lives of others without anyone having requested it. But, let’s get back to the topic at hand. Why does it bother us so much to be told what to do? Or worse yet, what we cannot do under any circumstances. Psychology has an explanation for this behavior, and it is called reactance.

I can’t stand being told what to do

For some more, for others less, listening to someone tell you what you have to do or what you can’t do provokes a negative reaction. Anger, anger, frustration. And, in many cases, the desire to do exactly the opposite of what is recommended. Psychologist Jack Brehm gave all these emotional reactions the name reactance. His theory of psychological reactance was pioneered in the 1960s, and is still used in the fields of psychology, education, and even advertising. Yes, those who make the ads know that you don’t want to be told what to do, and they use that to their advantage.

Knowing how our brain works, where this rejection comes from, can help us moderate our responses and learn to communicate better with others. Because, as much as it bothers us, Sometimes following advice that we hate can be a good option from a rational point of view.. And on the contrary, being able to advise, especially our adolescent children, without them categorically rejecting our words can be of great help to us.

For all this, the first thing we need is to understand what reactance is and why it occurs.

What is reactance?

Psychologist Jack Brehm defined reactance as a psychological term that reveals the emotional and cognitive resistance or opposition that people feel when they perceive that their freedom of choice is being limited or threatened.

When someone tries to influence our decisions, whether by imposing rules or restricting our options, we feel a loss of autonomy.. As if we were no longer owners of our decisions, as if we had lost the famous “free will.”. In response, reactance arises, which can manifest itself in multiple ways.

How do we react to imposition?

Now that you know why you feel that withering rejection towards impositions and prohibitions, it is time to understand how you react to this sensation. Each person can express their reactance in very different ways.but some of which we tell you below.

For starters, you may feel compelled to do the very thing you’ve been forbidden to do, even if it was something you didn’t want to do initially. This reaction arises in response to the desire to regain lost freedom, and can even occur in the doctor-patient relationship.. For example, if your doctor prohibits you from eating a certain food, your desire to eat that food may increase, even if you don’t particularly like it.

It is also possible that you manifest your reactance through active resistance. This is very common in adolescents. They adopt a defiant attitude, rejecting authority or any attempt at persuasion. This type of reaction is manifested through disobediencebehaviors contrary to the order against which they rebel or long discussions that lack a real purpose other than to resist.

Finally, reactance can make us perceive that what prohibits us is more valuable now that it is restricted. What previously seemed indifferent or uninteresting, acquires additional value only because it is restricted. It is also quite common in adolescence, and many psychologists associate it with the consumption of alcoholic beverages or other substances at an early age.

Learn to manage reactance and follow good advice

Although it is a natural reaction, linked to our instinct to preserve personal autonomy, reactance can play tricks on us. Both as advisors and as counselees, it is important to take it into account in our interactions. Feeling that we have control over our decisions is essential for our self-esteem and psychological well-being.. And when someone interferes, our reaction is just a defense mechanism to restore balance.

The best way to prevent reactance from leading you to act guided by this rejection is to learn to identify it and manage your emotions. Understanding why it happens is the first step to achieving it. Regarding your interactions with others, These three simple tricks can help you avoid provoking this reaction in your interactions. They are especially useful with children and adolescents.

• Offer options. Instead of imposing a rule or giving an order, it is more effective to offer alternatives so that the other person feels in control. This trick even works with children. The next time you have to tell your child to go take a bath, try giving him options. Say, «Do you want to take a bath now or in five minutes? Do you want to take a bath with this stuffed animal or this one?» Bathing is non-negotiable, but by adding nuances that are under their control, you offer them the feeling of not losing their autonomy.
• Use gentle persuasion. Using less authoritarian or more persuasive language can reduce the feeling of threat. For example, instead of telling your teen, «I told you not to use your phone while we eat dinner,» say, «I love it when we talk without distractions. What if we put our cell phones away while we eat dinner? What do you think?»
• Explain your reasons. Justifying the restrictions or decisions you are trying to communicate can considerably reduce the feeling of threat, making them more understandable. For example, instead of using the classic «you can’t talk in class,» you could explain to your children that «it’s important to be silent in class so everyone can concentrate. And if you need to talk, you can raise your hand.»