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Since our conceptionthe bond with our mother is the most significant relationship that we have had, for years, with another human being. The quality of this connection is not only fundamental for the development of our personality, but also constitutes the model to follow for the type of relationship that, later, we will establish with other people.
How to regain peace after a painful childhood
Despite having suffered toxic relationships with our mother(hypercontrol, emotional abandonment, mistreatment, abuse, etc.), we can always work to regain control of our lives.
These 6 steps can help regain inner calm if maternal union during childhood was deficient and its resulting deficiencies still harm us.
1. Now, you are an adult too.
Time has passed and the girl that your mother continues to see as her little daughter has grown up. The time has come for you to make your own decisions, you have every right to live your own life. Don’t doubt it, you deserve to have horizontal relationships, free of submission and power games.
2. You set the limits.
More often than not, the changes we wish to occur in others never come. Perhaps your mother continues repeating her same patterns and expecting you to act the same as before, however, now you can set limits of respect in your relationship and decide to what extent you allow them to interfere in your life.
3. Understanding does not mean allowing
You can understand the reasons why your mother, in the past, behaved the way she did, but this is no excuse for her to continue acting the same. It is not healthy to hide the damage you received.
4. And if you are a mother
If you have children of your own, then you feel a double motivation to free yourself from the past and regain your emotional balance. On the one hand, you notice a legitimate interest in healing, but also, think that all the burden you let go will be a burden that you are avoiding for your children.
5. Think about yourself
If you have spent your life depending on the desires or expectations of others, the time has come to think about yourself. It’s not selfishness, it’s emotional health. Remember that if you are not well, you will not be able to love your loved ones unconditionally.
6. Do things you want
Listen to your body and feel what it asks of you. You can start with simple things like walking on the beach, listening to your favorite music or developing a forgotten hobby. Little by little, you will feel more and more clearly that inner voice that tells you what is good for you.
The strength of the mother-daughter bond
Some mothers build with their children solid ties of connection and respect. Free from conditioning and feeling supported in their needs, these children grow up happy and self-confident. In other families, authoritarianism, blackmail and coercion damage the mother’s bond with her children, who end up carrying, for life, an accumulation of insecurities and low self-esteem.
The case of Marta comes to mind, one of the most extreme experiences of emotional abandonment I have had in consultation. Such was the helplessness he experienced in his childhood that one year he repeated a year at school and his mother only found out when, after several months, one of the brothers noticed and told her.
In front of these absent motherswe can find the opposite case, that of excessively controlling mothers, like that of Fátima, a teacher by profession, who spent her daughter’s adolescence reviewing her intimate diary and correcting any errors she found with a red pen.
Both experiences are devastating. for personality and, both Marta and Fátima, when they came for consultation, presented a feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem that deeply affected their personal relationships and their ability to face the daily situations of their lives.
Of course, their mothers are also victims. and they drag behind them their burden of abandonment, fears and insecurities. But these harsh circumstances do not minimize the impact of the deprivation and repression that their own daughters have suffered.
Every child, at birth, expects to feel welcomed and loved unconditionally by his mother (also by his father). When this does not happen, the child feels sadness, helplessness, frustration and anger without being able to express them. To survive, the creature ends up adapting to the conditions imposed by its family. The consequences of this break with their true self will carry them for life.
To heal deeply, we have to bring to light the emotions that were silenced in the past, connect with our true essence and we will ensure that they never repress us again. Only in this way, by being authentic and honest with ourselves, can we forge healthy relationships with others.
Of course, this personal change will influence in the current relationship with our own mother. We will abandon submission and dependence, and we will be able to set our own limits, making it clear how we want to act and what we will or will not tolerate.
The evolution of the relationship with our mother It will also depend on how she accepts all these changes. If he clings to the unhealthy patterns of the past, but we no longer allow it, estrangement is inevitable.
But if the mother assumes, like a mature person, the mistakes committed in the past and shows a true attitude of change, it is possible to maintain a healthy and adult relationship, no longer from indifference or repression, but from mutual understanding and dialogue.
Our most authentic selfthat inner part of us that knows what we really are and what we need to be happy, never disappears and with the right support, we can always free ourselves from all the burden accumulated after years of abuse and reconnect with our true self.
This 180 degree change in our lifealso has an impact on our relationship with others and their relationship with us. Sometimes, the differences are almost insurmountable and distance is imposed in order to heal properly.
On other occasions, after contemplating the transformation suffered by their children, it is the mothers themselves who go to therapy to work on their personal issues. In these cases, the emotional bond with your daughter or son heals as each of the parties matures.
Regardless of what our mother’s reaction isthe important thing is to have done the work of understanding and healing that I mention above. After this process, we will be able to regain control over our life, we will make our own decisions without feeling pressured and we will restore our self-esteem and our inner calm.