“Love is a public health problem,” says Walter Riso, doctor in psychology and expert in cognitive therapy, who also adds that “60% of psychological consultations” are given because of love. Love, he says, is the nation that has shed the most blood. Horrible things are done for love, and in large part it is because we don’t know how to love.
In fact, Riso affirms that “a Ministry of love should be created.” And precisely for that reason, it gives us the five essential keys for a healthy relationship. But not only in ideal environments. The expert explains that these characteristics are what make a couple work even in the most turbulent and complicated environments. So take note and find out if your relationship is missing any of these points.
Reciprocity
To begin with, explains Walter Riso, relationships must be based on reciprocity. “The couples that work best are democratic couples,” continue. With these words, the expert refers to the fact that relationships should always be horizontal, and not vertical.
That is, in healthy relationships there are no dynamics of dominance and submission. They are not ties in which one has clear and obvious power over the other, but in which both parties are on the same level.
The only way for a couple to work is for them to be in a relationship. round». A reciprocal relationship.
And this reciprocity does not have to be millimetric. It’s not that if you contribute ten, I contribute ten. It must be a balanced exchange. Someday you will be the one who gives more, another time it will be the other person, taking into account the situation and needs of each one. In this way, the delicate balance of reciprocity is achieved.
Territoriality
This word, which we often associate with negative terms, is the next key that Riso offers us to have a healthy relationship. Just because, In a relationship, a certain degree of territoriality is necessary.
We are not referring, of course, to jealousy or possessiveness.. We are talking about a personal territoriality that defines you as an individual.
Walter Riso explains in his presentation in Let’s learn together, a BBVA project, that when two people are completely overlapping and share everything, they lose the capacity for wonder. They stop being curious about their partner, because they can predict their behavior. Humor and surprise disappear. The relationship becomes monotonous and boring.
On the other hand, couples who are completely estranged, who share nothing, are, in fact, separated. They no longer have anything in common. Everyone has their life far from the other person, and there is nothing to fight for, nothing to build together.
Balance is found in the middle point. A relationship in which many things are shared, but in which it is reserved a private plot that is protected with territoriality. It is a part of yourself that is yours, and yours alone. A space designed just for you that, no matter how much it irritates others, does not belong to them and cannot be part of it.
Sensitivity-delivery
This compound word, this synergistic relationship, is what Riso, he assures, presents as the most important of the characteristics that a couple must have to function.
«Your pain hurts me. Your joy makes me happy.» This is how the expert summarizes this capacity that could be summarized as empathy, but that he prefers to divide into two terms: compassion and congratulation.
What hurts your partner must hurt you. Because only then will you avoid harm. Only then will you understand that you cannot crush him with your “I”, that “sometimes I have to exist less so that you can exist”, in the words of the expert.
This point is fundamental, because He who doesn’t feel your pain doesn’t deserve you. In a relationship without this sensitivity-giving relationship, there is no tenderness, there is no connection, and nothing good can be built.
Admiration
“There can be admiration without love, but there cannot be love without admiration.” explains Riso. Because this is the next basic characteristic that a relationship must have to function in the long term.
This admiration It is discovered in the small daily tasksand also in the great efforts we must make to survive, to advance in life. If you admire your partner for everything they do, you love them. Otherwise, you are likely to live in a dormant relationship, in which autopilot prevents you from being aware of the other.
I respect
Finally, Walter Riso affirms that the last essential characteristic that every healthy relationship must have is mutual respect. But, clarify, we must not confuse respect with fear or veneration.
Fear arises in relationships marked by violenceand these will never be healthy or beneficial. On the other hand, veneration places us in a vertical relationship, and not a horizontal one. One in which we admire the other beyond what is real, until we build an ideal image of the person, as if it were a spiritual teacher that we must follow. The one we must imitate.
The respect that Riso speaks of It is based on the admiration that we mentioned before. A realistic, functional and practical admiration that is born from coexistence, from observing others live, fight, grow and advance.
This shared respect, which must flow in both directions, inspires us. Therefore, when you are in a healthy relationship, You do not imitate the other, but rather their presence, their own existence, inspires you. to create with your personal stamp.
And, of course, in this relationship of respect there is no room for manipulation or exploitation. In a relationship based on respect you accept that the other has something important to say, you know it is worth listening to, and you leave space for it to be at your side.