Bethany Webster text

One of the hardest experiences you can have as a daughter in the relationship with your mother is to realize that she is unconsciously involved in your insignificance. Given this feeling, it is truly heartbreaking to see that, beyond their own wound, the person who gave you birth feels unconsciously, your empowerment as its own loss. In the background it is not a personal tragedy, but of our patriarchal culture, which tells women that we are «less than.»

We all want to be authentic, be seen as we are, be accepted, and be loved by who we really are. It is a human need. The truth is that the process of becoming ourselves implies being complicated, strong, intense, assertive and complex, qualities that patriarchy paints as unattractive in a woman.

Historically, our culture has been reluctant to the idea of ​​women as individual beings.

The patriarchy identifies attractive women as complacency beings, who seek to be approved, take care of emotions, avoid conflict and tolerate abuse. To some extent, mothers transmit this image to their daughters, and make a false self unconsciously built, often through the mask of «La Rebelde», «La Lonera» or «The good girl». The main message is «to be loved you should not grow.» However, the new generations of women have The desire to be authentic. It could be said that, with each new generation, the patriarchy weakens and the desire to be authentic is strengthened among women, in fact, it is beginning to be urgent.

The desire to be authentic and the longing of the mother

It is a dilemma for daughters raised in patriarchy. The desire to be yourself and the desire to be careful, become needs that compete with each otherit seems that we have to choose between one of the two. This happens because your empowerment is limited to the extent that your mother has internalized patriarchal beliefs and expects you to hop them. The pressure of your mother so that you do not grow depends mainly on two factors: 1) the degree to which she has internalized the limiting patriarchal beliefs of her own mother and 2) the reach of her own deficiencies for being divorced from her true self. These two things mutilate the mother’s ability to start her daughter to her own life.

The cost of becoming your authentic being often implies a certain degree of «rupture» with maternal lineage. When this happens, the patriarchal threads of maternal lineage are broken, something essential for a healthy and powerful adult life. It usually manifests in some form of pain or conflict with the mother. Maternal lineage ruptures can adopt various forms: from conflicts and disagreements to distancing and uprooting. It is a personal trip and is different for each woman. Basically, the rupture serves for transformation and healing. It is part of the evolutionary impulse of female awakening to empower more aware. It is the birth of the «non -patriarchal mother» and the beginning of true freedom and individualization.

On the one hand, in the healthiest mother/daughter, the break can cause a conflict, but in reality it serves to strengthen the link and make it more authentic.

On the other hand, in the aggressive and less healthy mother relationships, the break can trigger wounds not healed in the mother, and cause it to attack her daughter or repudiate her. And in many cases, unfortunately, the daughter’s only option will be to remain indefinitely to preserve her own emotional well -being. Thus, instead of seeing that it is the result of your desire for growth, the mother can feel your departure/rupture as a threat, a personal and direct attack towards her, a rejection of who they are she. Given this situation, it can be heartbreaking that your desire for empowerment or personal growth can make your mother, blindly, see you as an enemy.

In these situations we can see the high price of patriarchy in mother/daughter relations.

«I can’t be happy if my mother is unhappy» Have you ever felt this?

Generally, this belief comes from the pain that causes you to see your mother suffer for her own deficiencies and the compassion that produces her struggle under the weight of the demands of patriarchy. However, when we sacrifice our own happiness for that of our mothers, we actually prevent the necessary healing that produces the wound in our maternal lineage. This only causes the stagnation of both. As much as we try, we cannot heal our mothers, and we cannot get us to see us as we are. Duel is what brings healing. We have to cry for us and our maternal lineage. This duel brings a great release.

With each wave of mourning we re-integrated those parts of us to which we had to give up to be accepted by our families.

You have to break the sick systems to be able to find a new balance, much healthier. It is a paradox that we heal our maternal lineage When altering patriarchal patternsand not to keep us accomplices of them to preserve a superficial peace. We must have guts and courage to refuse to comply with patriarchal patterns that have a great generational force in our families.

Let our mothers be individual beings free us (like daughters) to be individual beings.

Patriarchal beliefs promote an unconscious knot between mothers and daughters, in which only one of them can have power. It is a dynamic of «one of the two» based on the shortage that leaves both of no power. For mothers who have been especially deprived of their power, their daughters can become «the food» of their stunted identity and in the landfill of their problems. We must allow our mothers to travel their own way and stop sacrificing for them.

We are being called to transform ourselves into authentic individual beings, women released from the beliefs of patriarchy, and to recognize our value without shame. Although it seems a paradox, our own individuality It is what contributes to a healthy, complete society and United

Traditionally, women have been taught that it is noble to load with the pain of others; that emotional care is our duty and that we should feel guilty if we deviate from this function. In this context, guilt has nothing to do with consciousness but with control. This feeling of guilt keeps us tied to our mothers, weakens us and makes us ignore our power. We have to realize that There is no real reason To feel guilty. The role of emotional caregiver has never been a genuinely our role, it is simply part of our legacy of oppression. If we look like this, we will stop consenting that guilt controls us.

Refraining emotional care and letting people learn their own lessons is a way of respecting ourselves and respecting others.

Our «over-functioning» contributes to the imbalance of our society and actively unpacks others preventing their own transformation. We must stop charging with the weights of others. And this is done seeing how useless it is. And we have to oppose being the guardians and emotional landfills of those who refuse to do the necessary work for their own transformation.

Contrary to what they have taught us, we do not have to heal our whole family. We just have to heal ourselves.

Instead of feeling guilty for not being able to heal your mother or the other members of your family, give yourself permission to be innocent. If you do, you recover your personal construction and the power that the maternal wound took you. And consequently, you return to your relatives the power to continue their own path. It’s about A great energy change which occurs when we appropriate our value and it has been shown that we can conserve our power despite the calls to deliver it to others.

The price of becoming authentic is never as high as the price of staying in a false «I».

It is possible that our mothers (and our families) turn our backs when we become more authentic. We can feel hostility, rejection, anger, and a total denigration. It may be that the entire family system feels the earthquake. And it can be amazing the speed with which they can reject us or abandon when we stop over-work and express our authentic being.

In his article «Mindfulness and the Mother Wound”, Phillip Moffitt describes the four functions of a mother: nourish, protect, empower and start. According to Moffit, the mother’s role as an initiator «is the most selfless aspect of the four, because it encourages a separation that will leave it alone.» It is a very deep function, also for those mothers who have been supported and honest, and almost impossible to perform for mothers who have suffered great pain and have not sufficiently heal their own wounds.

The patriarchy severely limits the mother’s ability to start her daughter in her own personal construction, because in patriarchy, the woman has been deprived of Your own construction. The patriarchy leads to the daughter’s self -staining, the child’s misogyny, and the lack of respect for the place we proceed from, the same land.

It is precisely this function of The mother as the «supplier of the initiation» What launches the daughter to live her own life, but this role is only possible as the mother has experienced or lived her own initiation. But healthy separation processes between mothers and daughters are very boycotted in the patriarchal culture.

The problem is that many women spend their entire lives waiting for their mother to push them to live their own lives, when their mothers are simply unable to do so.

It is very common to see how the duel of the maternal wound is postponed in women who constantly return to the black well of their mothers, looking for a permission and love that they simply do not have the ability to give. Instead of completing this duel, many women tend to blame, and this blocks them. We have to regret that our mothers cannot offer us an initiation that they never received and embark on our own initiation.

The break is actually an evolutionary impulse signal of separating the patriarchal threads of our maternal lineage, of breaking the unconscious bond to our mothers that the patriarchy has enhanced and being initiated in our own lives.

My help to help women to heal their maternal wound is to accompany them out of this self-cultural cycle and to make the necessary duel so that they can claim their power and potential. A part of this process is to accept this deep existential pain, to be able to …