How difficult it is to find a good conversation in this turbulent 21st century. Although perhaps the human being has never been given to the art of good conservation, Maybe we have always had that edge of impatience that makes us jump on each other, with the express intention of defeating him in a dialectical battle that could well be a friendly exchange of words.

“People don’t want to talk,” José Carlos Ruiz told me in the interview he offered to this medium. “People want to convince others.” The idea is not new, however. Human beings seem to have been arguing all their lives. Or at least, he already did it for no reason in the last century. “Most of the time we oppose an opinion, while, in reality, the tone in which it is expressed is what we do not like,” said Nietzsche.. The art of conversation escapes us, and between the cracks it leaves in its flight, the heavy burden of unwanted loneliness sneaks in.

The art of conversation

If you are looking for a manual on oral expression you will find many. There are some about public speaking, about rhetoric, about how to give good speeches and even about how to learn to convince face to face.. But few experts explain to us how to converse.

The conversation is much more than a simple exchange of opinions. Something more than a coming and going of information. Conversation is, in essence, the only thing that ties us to each other. The only way we have to break loneliness. Only when we talk, when we really do it, do we feel accompanied. We feel understood.

José Carlos Ruiz, Spanish philosopher, analyzes the problem in his novel an educated womanis that today we don’t want to talk, we want to convince. “A great conversationalist understands that in the conversation there is intellectual nutrition from both poles, but above all, he has an appetite to learn,” he explained in the aforementioned interview.. “People who like conversation generally want to be nourished by the other’s ideas, the other’s experience, their feelings, because in some way it increases their learning capacity.”

Conversation Praise

Perhaps the philosopher rescues this idea from the father of Western philosophy, Socrates. The Socratic method is, by definition, a conversation. Someone asks, the other answers. And then the first one asks a question again. “But there is a condition,” the philosopher explained to me. Agnes Clallardwhom we were also lucky enough to interview in this medium, “Whoever asks must have a real interest in hearing the answer, and whoever answers must have a real interest in answering the question.” These are the conditions for the oldest method that human beings have of learning, of approaching wisdom which, according to Socrates, is the only way to happiness.

For Socrates, his means put an end to the only lack of human beings. The intellectual lack. By definition, we must believe that what we know is true. If we questioned everything, as good old Descartes did, we could enter a state of paralysis. Is the sky blue? Am I stepping on the ground? Are apples eaten? We cannot doubt what we know, but we must understand that we know nothing.

It is a contradiction that human beings can only reverse through good conversation. Only by sitting in front of another person, who acts as a mirror for you, who asks you and listens to you, can you find contradictions in your thinking.. You can learn to differentiate what is true from what is false. You can advance on your path to wisdom.

And yet the art of conversation is dying. What can we do to rescue it?

The keys to a good conversation

The reasons why we must rescue the art of good conversation would provide several more articles of the size of this one. But the keys to rescuing them were held by a contemporary of Nietzsche, the originator of this reflection.. His name was Cecil B. Hartley, and in 1875 he collected in The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette ten keys to the art of conversation that are still valid.

1. It is absurd to expect everyone to agree with us. Even if you are completely convinced that the other person is wrong, it is a good idea to subtly change the subject if kindness is in dispute.
2. The golden rule is to know how to listen. We cannot anticipate what the other is going to say, nor guess their words. Always listen to the end before responding.
3. Don’t look at your cell phone. Although it is clear that Hartley was not talking about a mobile phone, but rather about “looking at the clock, reading a letter or leafing through a book”, the message is the same. Don’t make the other person feel like they bore you. Don’t be distracted when another person takes the time to talk to you.
4. Modesty prevents antipathy. You don’t have to prove yourself to be the smartest person in the room. Do not boast of merits, possessions or knowledge. In short, do not treat others with superiority.
5. Don’t say it, show it. Instead of talking about your strengths, let others discover them by observing how you act.
6. The good thing, if brief, is twice as good. Hartley didn’t write this, but he would have loved it. Don’t get involved. Witty brevity is more effective than eternal speech.
7. Don’t criticize or compare. If your conversation is not going to contribute anything, it is only going to destroy another person (be it your interlocutor or a third party in disagreement), it is better that you do not speak.
8. Don’t correct others. Unless there is a relationship that involves correction, such as that between a teacher and his student, try not to interrupt others to point out their mistakes. It doesn’t usually sit well.
9. Don’t give advice to someone you don’t ask for. The vast majority of the time, the other person just wants to be heard. Wait until they ask for your opinion before issuing it.
10. Excessive praise creates distrust. It is okay to praise others sincerely, it generates bond. But if you force the compliment, you will start to give off a bad vibe.

If you were interested in this article and would like to receive more about a healthy lifestyle, join the Bodymente WhatsApp channel.

Download the free eBook «Dinners to sleep better» and discover tips and recipes to have a good rest. Exclusive content created by Bodymente experts.