The adolescence It is a conflictive phase. The dizzying physical and psychological changes make parents and children feel very lost. Fluent communication helps a lot, but sometimes patience is the best tool.

Video: Why is adolescence such a difficult stage?

Living with teenagers: mission impossible?

When you were little, you would eat them and, as adults, you regret not having eaten them.” Who has not heard this nice phrase? Some have not only heard it, but have uttered it (although they would never admit it).

The fact is that many parents face with fear adolescence, perhaps remembering the one they themselves created for their now grandparents. And the latter, although in general they try to be discreet and not add fuel to the fallen tree, often look at us askance with a malicious smile, as if to say: «Do you remember? Do you see what we parents have to put up with?»

Well, there is hope. Adolescence is hard sometimes, but it passes. If not, think a little: you were a teenager too, right?

Why do teenagers behave like this?

Adolescence is an often conflictive phase which, nowadays – because it seems to be moving forward – usually occurs between the ages of 12 or 13 and 16 or 17.

It may be preceded by preadolescence, a more or less long phase of more or less intense turbulence that sometimes seems to begin just at the end of the infant’s colic.

There are – it is believed – studious adolescentsorderly, hard-working, obedient, always happy, affectionate and respectful of their elders. If your child is like this, don’t be scared; probably nothing bad is happening to him.

But there are also many who, at some point –or at every moment–, they have the room in a mess, they accumulate dirty clothes under the bed, they forget to do their homework, they pass by us without saying hello, they leave the house without saying goodbye, they reject our kisses and hugs, they respond with outbursts to the most innocent comments.

And there’s more: they prefer to tell their secrets to any stranger. Before their parents, they make fun of us, pierce us with some murderous glances or enter into crises of anger, crying or sullen silence without apparent cause.

Not to mention the clothes they wearthe way they talk or the music they like.

Some theories…

Many theories have been proposed to explain this type of behavior: that it is a matter of hormonesthat they need to rebel against their parents to affirm their own personality, that what happens is that they are spoiled and very spoiled because respect and discipline have been lost and “we weren’t like that.”

When I was a teenager myselfa very popular theory held that adolescents do not have a defined role in our society, they are neither children nor adults, and that makes them unhappy and gets on their nerves.

In primitive societiesthey explained to us, they take the children to the countryside for a few days and have an initiation ceremony. When they return, they are men for all intents and purposes and the problem is solved.

I remember ardently longing for an initiation ceremony. Years later, I found out what exactly such ceremonies consist of and I began to think that, in reality, “we don’t live like here anywhere.”

Prevent before cure

Adolescence cannot be avoidedof course. It will come, surely, and then it will end, also surely. But its effects will be different depending on the starting situation.

After a happy childhood and a satisfying parent-child relationship, adolescence is a shock. But if the relationship was already bad, or there was no relationship worthy of the name, you will understand that adolescence is not exactly going to fix everything. It can be a real disaster.

If you force your child to obey or by threat of force or shouting, what will you do when he is taller and stronger than you? Allow your child to act not out of fear, but because he wants to do good. That wish will last a lifetime.

If you let him cry in the crib, If you don’t come when he calls you, if you deliberately turn a deaf ear to his complaints, if you silence him because he doesn’t let you listen to the TV, do you expect him to ask you for help with his difficulties at the age of thirteen, to trust you with his secrets, to consult with you about his problems?

Children should know that they can trust their parents. at any time, for any difficulty, they will not be denied the help they need.

But if you teach your child to always obey without question, “because I said so”, “don’t answer me”, “I don’t want to hear another word”, how do you expect him to know how to refuse when offered alcohol, pills, sexual relations he doesn’t want or participate in a prank?

Children must learn that they have the right to say no and that their refusal is respected.

If a child does not see his parents except at dinner timeif your life passes between school, school cafeteria, extracurricular activities, babysitters and summer schools, what relationship will there be when adolescence arrives? They may not even know.

We have all gone through this life stage

Your child will not only outgrow adolescence, but will probably deny it. And don’t we all do it to some extent? Looking back at those inexplicable mood swings, that magnificent unconsciousness scares us. We want to erase them from our history. «In my time we did study», «We respected our elders», «I never spoke to my father in that tone»…

Parents say it quietly and never in the presence of grandparents, because they run the risk of being immediately denied. Grandparents, since no one can deny them, say it loud and strong.

Where are all those hippies, “misunderstood”, rebels without a cause, those who sang “I am a rebel because the world has made me this way, because no one has understood me, because no one has treated me with love”? Well, exactly where today’s teenagers will be in twenty years: disguised as parents and swearing that they were never like that.

Many years and several adolescences later, I can’t help but think that the best thing, when you have a teenage son, is to wait in silence.

Don’t embark on a constant and useless struggle. Adolescence will pass, so focus on maintaining a good relationship until then.

Tame the beasts

I am convinced that going through adolescence is like weathering a storm. You can do absolutely nothing to stop the wind; You can only try to keep the ship afloat until it subsides.

And it always, always subsides. Sometimes the end of adolescence is abrupt, almost as if one of those initiation ceremonies had taken place.

One day, the astonished parents exchange experiences: «Hey, he said goodbye to me.» «Well, yesterday, he asked me for a snack please and thanked me.» It’s all over.

Consider that you don’t lose a teenager, but rather you gain a young adult. Of course, not everything is going to be a bed of roses. Among adults, there are also conflicts. But it’s something else.

Tips to reconnect with your child

Everything has its positive side. We offer you some useful tips to cope with this stage.

1. Try to see its qualities

Look for the bright side, there always is. Surely your child does many things well throughout the day, and even the things he does wrong he does not do all the time.

Instead of becoming the typical grumpy parentruminating on continuous reproaches («How many times do I have to tell you…!», «Look, you’ve got me fed up with your…!», «And that’s what you call…», «This weekend, forget about…»), strive to look for positive thingsremember them, name them out loud.

2. Change your point of view

You will discover that even some things that seemed wrong to you can be interpreted in another way. Think about this phrase as an example: “Once again you have left everything until the last hour, do you think you will do in one night what you have not done in the entire quarter?”

Now compare it with this other one: “Yesterday you stayed up very late studying, I see that you take it seriously this term.” Or “you spend the day chatting with your friends, you’d better do something useful” versus “your friends love you very much, they always call you.”

3. Speak well of your child

Dirty rags are washed at home. We parents fall too easily into the petty vendetta of getting together with other parents to embarrass our children: “If I tell you what the room looks like…”, “And the guy, on top of that, goes and asks me for money for a record…” Try to avoid it. What will others think of your child if even his own parents criticize him? Would you like your son to tell you everything he knows about you?

4. Remember your adolescence

Remember. Did you also ever argue with your parents? And more than one! Try to remember what you felt, why you said what you said, and why you did what you did. Try to imagine what your parents felt, why they said what they said (I’m sure it’s easier for you now!).

Are you still convinced that you were right, completely right, and that your parents were retrograde and authoritarian? Well, maybe that’s what your son thinks now.

5. Give it time

And maybe he is also right (or is he also wrong?) Or, perhaps, with the perspective that years and experience give, do you understand now that your parents were also partly right, that they had to (or honestly believed they had to) do what they did, that you didn’t make it easy for them either?

Apologize to your parents now and stop expecting your child to understand in two days what it has taken you twenty years to discover.

6. Think about what is important

Reserve your authority for serious problems. What difference does it make if you dye your hair green or red? If you get good grades, what does it matter if you study in front of the TV or while listening to music?

Avoid all the conflicts you can avoid, Compromise in everything that can be compromised… and do not be afraid to exercise your authority when it is really necessary, when some danger must be nipped in the bud.

If you haven’t wasted your authority By prohibiting a thousand nonsense, it is easier for them to obey you in what really matters.

7. Stay calm

Before saying or doing something stupid, count to ten, up to a hundred, up to a million. And, in the end, it’s better that you don’t say anything. The spoken words can no longer be picked up afterwards.

Repeat like a litany, or a mantra: “He’s not like that”, “it’s the hormones”, “he’ll get over it”, “he’s not like that”, “it’s the hormones”…

8. Remember that he loves you

Maybe it’s been a while since he hardly shows it, in which he avoids kisses and hugs. But he loves you the same; and if you know how to be attentive, you will notice it.

A father I know proudly repeats the words of his fifteen-year-old daughter: “My friends say how lucky I am, because I told them that you never punish me.” “Moments like this,” my friend says, “give meaning to a life.”

To know more

How to talk so your children listen to you and how to listen so your children talk to you (Ediciones Médici), by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is one of those books that all parents should read.