Coping with an illness It is not only difficult for the person who suffers from it, but for those around them and especially for the couple. Especially if the condition is long-lasting, an imbalance occurs within the couple who must deal with new logistics and a constant swing of emotions that will require frank communication and a good dose of self-knowledge.

Given this harsh circumstance:

• The roles transform.
• The fear of losing the other, of death, is confronted.
• The responsibility to care is sustained, which can trigger a painful internal and external struggle full of guilt.

9 things we can do to deal with the situation

Although a priori we all tend to believe that the patient has priority, the caregiver also suffers, faces an unwanted change, makes an effort and has his or her limitations. In extreme cases, there are those who are simply unable to sustain the responsibility and fear of death that comes with caring for someone who is sick. And it’s not always for lack of love…

Thus, when faced with the diagnosis of a partner’s illness, to cope with the situation, the caregiver must take these nine points into account:

• 1. It is important to get the necessary logistics

It is essential that the patient be cared for, but in such a way that, if possible, it is not always the couple who performs all the tasks. If there are no financial resources, you can turn to your family or friends network so that the burden does not always fall on the same person.

• 2. We must be prepared to manage emotions

It is the most important thing in the entire process. The first thing that will appear before the diagnosis is denial as a defense mechanism against reality. This denial will have different forms of expression: some will assure that nothing is going to change, others will feel that love will conquer everything, but this will not be the case if there is not a high degree of commitment or there is not good communication within the couple.

• 3. You will have to adapt to a changing mood

Feelings throughout the course of the disease will often vary and it is important to normalize negative emotions such as sadness, despair, helplessness, anger, anxiety and guilt. There may also be moments of great intimacy in the couple, of greater proximity and complicity as well as feelings of gratitude for what they received and satisfaction for feeling useful and discovering skills that were unknown.

• 4. It is important to locate the sources of tension

It is important for both of you to be aware of the situations that generate the most tension: for example, the doctor’s visit, the results of new tests, the arrival of visitors, excess fatigue, etc. Identifying them will help to better manage the emotions that they generate in the couple and will avoid arguments.

• 5. It is advisable to avoid self-blame and blaming

Guilt does not help to do things better and it is important to free oneself from it internally and instead of accusing others, speak from what one feels and would like to ask directly without manipulation.

• 6. You have to look for new forms of pleasure

For both members of the couple, whether jointly or individually, reserve a space for leisure and pleasure and look for what would help make the situation more comfortable. If it is possible, go out to dinner together alone, go on getaways, share a movie, sunbathe, admire a landscape, find new sources of enjoyment, no matter how simple and simple they may be. The question, if you were free if you weren’t sick, what would you do that would help? to find out what we need.

• 7. Talking about fear is good

It is also advisable to share within the couple the fears aroused by the situation and the illness: the fear of not knowing how to raise children alone, the fear of lack of money, the fear of death, the fear of pain… All of this will make each member of the couple find comfort in the other, feel less alone and form a united team in the face of adversity.

• 8. Let’s remember to reserve spaces of solitude

Between abandoning and accompanying all the time there is a middle path that is also important to find so that the patient does not feel harassed and the caregiver overwhelmed. Spaces of solitude will give each person time to carry out an individual process that cannot be done as a couple because each person lives a personal situation that represents different things. This will also make it easier for each member of the couple to regain their individuality and role when the illness ends.

• 9. We must encourage independence

Maintaining autonomy and not encouraging dependency is another pillar for a healthy relationship that should also be taken into account in this situation.

It is not worth taking care without taking care of yourself

Although there may be exceptions, the truth is that, in general, the caregiver feels obliged to give without receiving anything in return to the point that in some cases they lose themselves. It may also be the case that he makes caring the meaning of his life, creating an infinite debt for the other, something that according to Hellinger can cause the couple to break up.

To give in as balanced a way as possible in such a difficult situation, the caregiver, to the extent possible, You must reserve spaces for yourself that allow you to regain strength and preserve your energy and individuality. This is the difference between caring for someone you love and making caring an identity.

to get it You will have to overcome the feeling of guilt that will lurk throughout the entire process. It will appear when you feel so tired that you may want everything to end one way or another so you can let go. It will also arise when the caregiver runs away to escape or do something for pleasure or when they think that the situation is overwhelming them, especially if there is the burden of raising children alone.

This guilt does not help to do things better, quite the opposite. It is a source of torture added to an already complicated situation. Whenever possible, the caregiver should avoid it and practice a healthy selfishness that will make it easier for them to nourish themselves to give. He who does not have cannot give.

It is human that those who care are invaded by mixed feelings. and at times you feel incapable of assuming what is coming, at others you get angry with life or appear happy to be useful and even essential. Both anger with the situation and with the sick person must be normalized because both are going through a grieving process for a life that was and is no longer.

Thus, it must be taken into account that, especially at the beginning of the disease, a period of denial is experienced in which what happens is denied and anger appears at not being able to do the same thing that was done together.

Learn to accept

The capacity for frustration that each person has will make this grief difficult or easier. There are men – and also some women – who will find it particularly difficult to confront the pain of suddenly losing their normality and giving up their ideals and desires due to the illness of another.

In the same way that today’s society invites us to avoid pain and pursue constant happiness, it does not teach us how to face situations that we cannot control nor does it show us how to resolve the traumas that this situation can confront us with. opening wounds that overflow.

To facilitate the acceptance process It is advisable to ask for help from those around you, from professionals and go to groups of relatives of patients. that they dare a similar situation and find spaces where the caregiver can express what they are feeling during the accompaniment.

This It will also make it easier for the couple to share their emotions in a more frank and spontaneous way. and make everything more bearable for both of them and, therefore, neither of them feels alone.

If the couple’s communication was good and sincere before the illness This step will be easier than for those couples who no longer had intimacy of quality previously. And when one of the members gets sick, all the couple’s problems tend to be amplified.