John Bowe, public speaking coach, award-winning journalist and author of I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnectionexplains to us in a recent article published on CNBC that “The worst habit people have is passive-aggressive language.” Or what is the same, “saying one thing when you really mean another.”
This way of communicating usually appears as a strategy to avoid conflict directly, when in reality the only thing it generates is greater tension and discomfort. Many misunderstandings and problems in relationships Both personal and professional would be solved if we avoided this way of communicating.
And, precisely for this reason, the expert warns us about seven very common phrases that can cause us problems, offering us much more effective and healthy assertive communication alternatives.
I don’t mean to offend, but…
Nothing good appears after that “but” or any of its variants: I hate being the one to say this, I’m sorry to tell you this, no offense, sorry for saying this, and many others that you’ve probably heard on more than one occasion. You may even have said them yourself. And you know what comes after that “but,” an offensive comment that you don’t really regret that much.. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said it. The result is that not only have you said something that is going to offend and upset the other person, but you also sound insincere and even a little confused.
Therefore, instead of this formula of “politeness” that has nothing polite about it, Bowe recommends that we let’s be much more sincere and direct with phrases like: “I need to tell you something that you may not like.” or “I have something I would like to tell you, if you have a moment.”
Staying silent and leaving what you need to express unsaid is not an option. Being kind does not mean hiding uncomfortable truthsbut to express them without filters or white lies.
What you see
Let’s imagine the situation. A person tells you that they are planning to do something that you may not like very much. For example, inviting someone you don’t like very much to your birthday party. You explain, more or less clearly, that it does not seem like an ideal plan to you. But just when you’re about to finish you say something like: «Come on, what you see, I don’t care.» You know it’s a lie, and with this sentence you just sounded completely passive-aggressiveaccording to Bowe.
This phrase, the expert explains to us, conveys disagreement or dissatisfaction with a result or decision, but without addressing it directly and without internalizing being constructive. Instead, the speaker opts for clearer and more assertive formulas: “I’m not sure I agree, it doesn’t convince me” or “Let me think about it and I’ll tell you when I have something clear to contribute.”
Ah, it must be fine
It seems like a harmless phrase, but let’s put it in context. Your friend has just told you that she is going on the trip of a lifetime, she is going to see all those places that you have always dreamed of seeing and enjoy a great vacation in style. You open your mouth and find yourself saying, “ah, it must be good.” This phrase, Bowe explains to us, “it stinks for hiding anger, self-pity and jealousy under the guise of a pseudodelogy.” They may even try to convey that the interlocutor does not deserve the good things they have.
Instead of betting on this somewhat hackneyed formula, the speaker recommends usgive us a bath of generosity and congratulate openly to our interlocutor: «Great! I’m very happy for you.»
I’m fine
As? Is saying you’re okay passive-aggressive? It can be in the given context, and you may have guessed what we mean. Those moments when there is clearly a problem, you are obviously not comfortable with a certain person and when they ask you “is something wrong?” You evade the problem with a dry “I’m fine.” It’s happened to all of us, but the truth is that, as Bowe explains, «this is the superficial, verbal equivalent of rolling your eyes.» It is a classic refusal to communicate what we feel honestly.. And it is important to correct it as soon as possible.
Instead of hiding in these words, try something healthierlike, «I don’t know. I don’t like the situation, but let me process it a little.»
I could never do that
It is possible, the expert explains to us, that behind these seemingly harmless words, we hide something much less innocent. Let’s see it in an example. Someone tells you that they have finished writing a novel, and you respond: “Wow, I could never do that.” The communication expert warns us that, on many occasions, Behind this feigned admiration a deep burden of judgment or criticism can hide.which damages relationships.
Alternatively, Bowe recommends that we take an interest in others with curious and sincere questions.: “Wow, how did you start writing?” or “and how did it go?”
I didn’t want to say it like that
There is nothing more passive-aggressive than a false apologyand this formula is number one on the old hits list. When blurted out after a clearly intended insult or hurtful comment, it can double the tension that exists between the interlocutors.
We can all make mistakes and say something we regret, that’s okay. The important thing is to face it honestly, limiting ourselves to saying: “I’m sorry.” or “That was very inconsiderate of me.”
do what you want
Admit it, you have said this phrase in more than one discussion to get the last word, right? We’ve all done it before, Bowe calls it “the golden star of silent crybabies.” The speaker explains to us that it is a phrase that is full of “silent contempt, disapproval and frustration”, all of this, at the same time. It is practically impossible to imagine it in a tone that is not passive-aggressive.
In this case, The expert suggests we face the situation with maturity and assertivenessusing alternatives such as: “I don’t agree, but we are all adults here.”
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