What we hear when we are children modifies permanently. At this stage in which we are forming our identity and our self-esteem, we are especially sensitive to the words that come, in particular, from our parents or adult references.

Something that many of us share when time passes and we look back is the lack of emotional support from these figures, something that over the years can become an inability to show emotions or express what we feel with confidence. If when you were a boy or girl you heard these phrases with some regularity, It is very possible that today it is difficult for you to express your emotions.

PHRASE 1 makes you hide your feelings

It is easy to hear this phrase in the mouths of adults, with no intention of harm. We are accustomed, because society dictates it, that crying is something unpleasant and that it is reprehensible to do so in front of others. That’s why the phrase «Don’t cry, it’s no big deal» It is so common to hear it in childhood. The problem, explains psychologist Leticia Martín Enjuto for Bodymente, is that “«When a child is told that, he learns that his feelings bother or get in the way.»

With this phrase, “the emotion is invalidated, as if pain or sadness had no right to exist,” explains the expert. As time passed, the person who heard this phrase You will end up silencing what you feel so as not to bother others..

That “it’s not that big of a deal” becomes an inner voice that minimizes everything we feel. «Don’t complain, it’s not important. «That makes it difficult to set limits and ask for help in adulthood, because the emotional need was marked as something forbidden,» says the psychologist.

Phrase 2 makes you think they don’t take you seriously

“Labeling a child’s emotional expression as ‘drama’ not only disparages their experience: teaches him to be ashamed for showing it«, the psychologist explains to us. If during your childhood you were regularly told the phrase «Stop making dramas» and they accused you of making dramas about everything, it is possible that over time you have developed a certain fear of expressing yourself, of asking for comfort or of recognizing that things affect you.

“This minimization also generates distrust«, says the expert, «if no one takes my emotion seriously, why am I going to share it? That’s why many people who grew up with that phrase end up isolating themselves or showing apparent coldness to protect themselves.»

Luckily, it is something that can be worked on. “In therapy we work slowly to dismantle that shame. Learn to name and communicate what you feel without fear of judgment “It allows us to recover emotional intimacy and more authentic relationships,” adds Leticia.

Phrase 3 makes you hard unnecessarily

This phrase, a cousin of the previous one, is even more dangerous, because it assigns an identity to the child. We refer to the phrase «You are very sensitive». “Telling a child that he is ‘very sensitive’ often comes with a critical or corrective tone. The implicit message is: there is something in you that is wrong and you should change it to fit in,” says the expert.

This label, which can hang on our identity for the rest of our lives, leaves us with a constant feeling of inferiority compared to our own emotional nature. “In adulthood, that label usually triggers two paths: hardening yourself to ‘not feel as much’ or constantly feeling vulnerable and defective. «Neither of the two routes respects sensitivity as a valuable trait,» explains Martín Enjuto.

“My approach as a psychologist is to help recover sensitivity as a resource: teach how to regulate it, take care of it and use it to connect with othersinstead of seeing it as a weakness that must be hidden,” concludes the psychologist.

Phrase 4 makes you compare yourself with others

If you grew up in a competitive environment, you heard this phrase or any of its versions several times throughout your childhood. The phrase we are referring to is «Look at your brother/sister, he/she does it well.». And that, without you knowing it, left you a painful wound.

“Comparison between siblings is a silent wound«, the expert explains to us, «when a child feels valued in relation to another, he learns that his worth depends on being better than someone else, not on being himself.»

This not only sows rivalry between siblings, but also makes us grow up with insecurity. “In adult life that comparative voice is internalized: ‘I am not enough’, ‘I must be like that person to be of value.’ It is a persistent source of anxiety and low self-esteem that conditions decisions and relationships,” says Leticia.

Phrase 5 makes it difficult for you to show yourself as you are

In our society, we tend to think that a vulnerable person is a weak person. And as an adult, we must be careful not to convey this message to the little ones. That’s why the phrase «Don’t be weak» It doesn’t do the child any good when he listens to it. «The child is asked to always show external strength, which implies that asking for help or expressing fear is unacceptable. The usual result is an emotional shell that prevents intimacy,» the expert explains.

This can mean that when we are adults, we are not able to share anxieties, seek support or admit limits, which, according to the expert, “«It generates overload and loneliness, since maintaining the image of ‘strong’ ends up isolating you.»

Phrase 6 destroys your self-esteem

All the labels they give us when we are little, To one extent or another, they affect our self-esteem. To our identity. This one, in particular, can be very painful. According to the expert, the phrase «You never do anything right»far from correcting behavior, damages self-esteem at a level that accompanies throughout life with a constant critical internal voice.

“That internal voice will repeat the phrase in moments of error or difficulty, fueling fear of failure and avoidance. Many decisions are paralyzed by the fear of confirming that inherited sentence«says the expert. «Therapeutic work seeks to decouple behavior from personal value: making mistakes does not make anyone useless.»

Phrase 7 makes you afraid of not being loved

To finish, We have the one that perhaps sounds hardest of all. And you may not have heard it literally, but this threat can take many forms. We refer to the phrase «If you continue like this, I’m not going to love you anymore.» and its variants: «keep going like this and you’ll see», «if you go on like this I won’t listen to you», «if you go on like this you’ll be alone», «if you go on like this you’ll go to your room», «if you go on like this, don’t count on me».

“Conditional love is perhaps the most harmful lesson,” says the expert, because “it teaches that affection depends on performance or behavior, it is not unconditional.” When a child hears this phrase, he grows up afraid of being abandoned.

And “this insecurity translates into adult relationships with fear of losing affection, complacent behavior or, on the contrary, sabotage to prove the love of another. Living with the constant possibility of losing affection deeply undermines inner peace.”, he concludes.