“Shyness,” explains psychiatrist Ana Isabel Sanz for Bodymente, “is an attitude towards the environment and the people around us. It consists of an intense feeling of discomfort, even with physical repercussions, when the individual has to interact with other people or when he anticipates that he may be exposed to that possibility.

And yes, this tension that shy people feel can make certain questions incredibly uncomfortable for them. That is why, if you have a shy friend and you want to have a good relationship with him, there are certain types of questions that you should avoid as much as possible.

Why are you so shy?

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Shy people, psychiatrist Ana Isabel Sanz explains, “do not like to feel watched, since they usually feel judged.” That’s why approaching them with this very direct question, even if you have no bad intentions, can be a big mistake. You will make them feel uncomfortable and you will not be able to get close to that person.

And, as the expert explains to us, «in a relationship with any person, it is essential to respect the needs that that person expresses, not to force their demand for a certain distance or to make their difficulties manifest in comments between them.» Her conclusion as an expert is that “The most important thing is to be understanding and not judge her,” and even if it is not your intention, with this question you will make that shy person feel judged.

Do you ever have a good time?

Shy people, psychiatrist Ana Isabel Sanz explains, may have an “excessive need for approval from others to try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to feel comfortable.” So sometimes, They find themselves doing things they really don’t want to do, trying to adapt to the tastes of others and finding themselves in social situations that make them experience negative emotions “such as sadness or depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, inferiority or importance.”

That’s why if you see a person enjoying themselves in their own way, staying on the sidelines or enjoying smaller groups, don’t jump on them with this question. Maybe you enjoy it in your own way, without being influenced by external pressure!

Furthermore, the psychiatrist adds, shy people have “poor tolerance for criticism,” something that greatly affects them on a personal level, since “Being very susceptible to them, they have difficulty understanding, changing or growing.”

Don’t you feel alone?

This question can be very delicate for shy people, because, as the psychiatrist explains to us, “shy people do not necessarily want to not interact with other people.” However, their shyness can become a “brake, an obstacle and a source of discomfort and limitations,” which can make you tend to feel lonely. “Their feeling of loneliness is frequent and often real,” determines the expert.

This, added to a “low self-esteem”, which makes this person “feel inferior and not listened to or valued by others”, is the perfect cocktail so that with your question you can make that person’s inner world explode into a thousand pieces. As if he didn’t have enough to deal with his insecurities and unwanted loneliness.

The best thing is that we don’t have to take this very frontal attitude to get closer. The expert recommends “taking the initiative in establishing the first contact,” but always from a point of view that does not make the other person feel judged. That way, instead of blaming deep pain like this, we can “encourage the person to face their fears gradually through an active, and not overwhelming, attitude on our part, addressing topics that are not too personal or compromising.

What are you thinking about?

It’s okay to take the initiative with the shyest people, because as the expert says, this is the most difficult part for them. However, you should know that those who suffer from extreme shyness “find it difficult to express their feelings” and “they do not openly express their opinion”, so asking him what he thinks about when he is somewhat away from the crowd is not a good way to integrate him into the group. Most likely it will crash.

In her place, Ana Isabel Sanz proposes “offer a safe environment and not judge their fears or insecurities,” in addition to “promoting favorable conditions for them to put into practice and improve their communication skills with others.” Translated into practice, the expert continues, this means, “start the speaking turns without taking on the rest of the conversation, leaving space for our partner to intervene without pressure or haste.”

Why don’t you like people?

Finally, we must understand that shy people are not people who “don’t like people.” Simply put, “they prefer to go unnoticed, because they don’t like to be the center of attention,” explains Ana Isabel Sanz, and They often prefer quieter spaces to express themselves.

If you’re worried that your shy friend won’t interact with more people, help them break the ice and get to know other people in the group. To do so, the psychiatrist recommends “acting calmly and patiently in the face of the shy person’s possible silences and blocks.” If you see what happens, that your friend is blocked, “Tolerate it without making it obvious or adopting critical or hostile attitudes.” It’s that simple.

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