We are all shy to some extent, but when that trend increases shyness can become a problem. The shy person appears insecure, hesitant and shy, not knowing how to position themselves or act. at a work meeting or at a party with friends.

These people They often feel different from others, isolated and not very participative.and although they fight with all their might to be sociable and communicative, they are always looking forward to the end of the social encounter because they feel uncomfortable, fear being incorrect and a paralyzing shame invades them.

The shy person tries to go unnoticed, but on more than one occasion, and precisely for this reason, everyone ends up noticing him, since when he tries to behave in the appropriate way, as he believes that others expect him to do, loses naturalness and acts in a forced manner.

It is also very common that those who feel shyness as a burden tend to exaggerate self-criticism and underestimate their abilities; in fact, Shy people themselves are their own worst critics and spend their lives demanding more than necessary. to try to overcome what they see as a defect, especially in this demanding and competitive society.

Why a person is shy

Shyness is forged throughout childhood. Although there are very shy children, it is in adolescence when a critical moment that can shape this traitsince young people put aside family life to establish new social ties with friends, study and work colleagues.

There is no single factor that determines the formation of shyness but there are educational guidelines and relationship models with parents that can encourage it. Among them stand out:

• Excessive overprotection: people who have had very protective parents, who have not allowed them to interact freely or face problems, have difficulties taking responsibility for their behavior and doing things for themselves, so that in new or compromising situations they do not have the resources to face them and have low self-esteem.
• A great overdemand: when parents demand too much from their children, always being on top of them so that they do things with a high degree of perfectionism or in the way they see fit, Children end up developing a feeling of inferiority and guiltalways feeling insecure, which leads them to withdraw in their behavior for fear of doing things wrong or not fulfilling what is expected of them.
• Parental shyness: shyness is not inherited, but if you have had parents with communication and expression difficulties, with few friends and contacts, maybe the children will follow their example and are not very participatory.

Additionally, a person can also be shy because of:

• bad experiences: Having experienced certain situations, such as being the object of criticism or ridicule from peers from school, not being well accepted in a workplace, or even a love failure They can make the person more withdrawn, shy or reserved.
• The complexes: People who feel self-conscious about some physical or psychological trait or limitation (feeling too fat or thin, tall or short, a certain type of nose…) usually end up enhancing the characteristics of shyness.

How to help a very shy child

If we want a shy child to not continue to be shy when he or she becomes an adult We must try to help you as soon as possible, promoting the self-confidence and contact with othersso that you learn to relate and gain self-confidence. To achieve this objective it is important:

• Help you improve your self-esteememphasizing its positive qualities and reinforcing their achievements, instead of always conveying a bad image and blaming them for their defects.
• Let him make his own decisions. Instead of repressing him, it is preferable to let him decide for himself, for example allowing him to choose his activities according to his ability and skills. Thus, You will gain security and confidence.
• Be careful when talking about him: we should not point out or label him; No problem is solved by repeating at every step what «someone is», and even less so is shyness.
• Get used to social contacts: It is convenient to invite his friends to our house, as well as let him go to other people’s houses and encourage his relationships with other children through sports activities, play centers or hiking groups, so that you can learn to establish bonds social since childhood.
• Constructive criticism: Constantly praising qualities is not positive since children also need to receive criticism when their behavior is inappropriate, but it is advisable to avoid criticism that could block them or make them lose confidence in their abilities.

Shyness also has advantages

In general, or on some occasion, everyone tends to suffer from a certain degree of shyness. This happens when you have to speak in public or have to face a challenging interview. However, from a social point of view, can classify personality in two ways: extroverted and introverted.

Extroverted people usually have an open, happy and jovial character.they express themselves easily, They have no difficulties when communicating with others and are considered sociable and valid to lead a group. Introverted people, on the other hand, tend to close in on themselves, focus on their feelings, have problems expressing what they think and feel, and, for these reasons, it is difficult for them to meet people and make friends.

The shy one would be within this second group and usually envies the extrovert because he contrasts the latter’s ease of social contact with his own clumsiness in dealing with others.
However, open people have other types of difficulties, such as the ability to be alone.and that means that, although they know many people, their relationships are often only superficial and unrewarding, while Someone who is more introverted is likely to have deeper, stronger bonds. with the few friends and trusted people around him. Therefore, shyness also has its advantages.

Besides, a certain degree of shyness can be seductive and interestingas well as awakening feelings of tenderness and protection. It can even become a virtue, since Prudence in the way you act can help you avoid making some mistakes typical of people who are too extroverted and impulsive.

When being very shy is a problem

However, When this character trait invalidates social life, it becomes a real torment For those who suffer from it, a torture that is shown through psychosomatic manifestations that they try to hide without success, suffering when they feel their cheeks blush, sweat in their hands, a lump in their throat or discomfort in their stomach.

Therefore, often, Being shy is usually classified as a problem, not so much for itself but by involve other issues, such as insecurity, withdrawal or inhibition and the resulting sadness when feeling poorly adapted to your environment.

There are multitude of situations that can cause discomfort and discomfort to a shy person, especially if they have had a negative experience at some point, a fact that will double their fears. Although many of these situations seem simple and easy can become insurmountable for a shy one.

Some of the most common are: go to parties or celebrations more or less multitudinous, going into a store to buy, eat in restaurants sharing a table with other people, speaking in publicinteract with superiors or people from another social or cultural level, make contact with people of another sex (especially if they feel some attraction towards them) or even have a telephone conversation.

Any of these social contacts make their expression and relationship difficultiesso they prefer to avoid commitments, although they cannot always achieve it and they must face them with the consequent nervousness.

Anyway, Feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed is not the same as suffering from panic that incapacitates and blocks before any social event, causing a serious anxiety crisis. In this case, rather than talking about shyness, we would have to talk about a social phobia which, like all phobias, is an irrational fear, this time associated with relationships with other people.

The risks of taking refuge in shyness

Therefore, a shy person should not be confused with a person who suffers from a social phobia, although shyness taken to the extreme can lead to the development of this type of phobia.

Therefore, It is advisable to prevent and not allow yourself to be overcome by the difficulties that contact with others may entail.but rather savor the small progress. We must avoid falling into the easy refuge of staying home or avoiding an appointment. This entry attitude may be comfortable, but In the long term it will undoubtedly have negative consequences.

On the other hand, this type of anxiety or social phobia never comes alone but rather It is usually accompanied by negative and self-deprecating thoughtssuch as, for example: «I’m worthless», «I’m useless», «I’ll never get over it», «I’m not going to be able to change even if I try» and other similar ones that do nothing more than encourage a poor self-image and low self-esteem, which increases the lack of security and confidence one has.

When this situation is reached, it is very difficult for the person, even if they are aware of their problem, to do something to overcome it alone. It is usually necessary to search specialized helpsince his shyness causes serious disruptions in his family and social life. At an extreme, You can even reject job offers or give up certain studies because of the inability to relate and the absolute loss of social skills.

9 tips to open up and relate better

Although shyness is not a defect, it can cause difficulties if it becomes chronic. Therefore, Shy people should do their part to make their relationships more pleasant. These tips can help.

1. Set goals

Overcoming shyness is not easy, so We must be patient and optimistic.

Consistency and perseverance are two primary virtues in this task, but It is advisable to set goals that are easy to achieve and encourage you to continue.: It is easier to talk on the phone with a friend than to try to attend a party or meeting.

2. Don’t lower yourself

Many times the shy person is excessively susceptible to criticism from others.. Therefore, when faced with a somewhat unpleasant comment towards us, we should not bring out all our defects. At some point we all feel certain rejection and feelings of frustration but You don’t have to let yourself be overcome by negative emotions but know that they are part of life.

3. Don’t criticize yourself

The best way to help yourself is stop criticizing yourselfsince it is one thing to have the capacity for positive self-criticism, which always helps to improve oneself, and another to allow oneself to be limited by the defects and negative aspects that every person has.

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