Last month, in just two weeks, I had the opportunity to accompany three people in their respective moments of serious life crisis. My daughter’s violin teacher, whom she greatly appreciates, suddenly had to move from the city and she will no longer be able to take any more classes from him; a friend He lost his mother after two years of fighting against cancer and, thirdly, a girl who comes to my consultation, After 25 years of marriage, they took the step of separating of her husband.
These three people They will have to go through a grieving process to overcome their personal crises, a time in their lives marked by conscious or unconscious search for acceptance of this new situation.
Turning points and duels
The above situations are very different from each other, but They all have a common denominator: each of these people has suffered a very important loss in their life path.a break in his continuum that marks an undeniable before and after in his life.
The differences between them also show that The feeling of grief extends far beyond the death of a loved one. We can grieve when we suffer the absence of a person in our life (even if they continue to live) or even faced with a new situation or a loss of status.
All stages of grief are necessary
Grief is a physical and emotional journey, a process that everyone must go through more than once. throughout your life to be able to rebuild and adapt to each of the new life circumstances.
Any type of grief, regardless of the situation that caused it, goes through the five stages which he listed Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to
late 60’s: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
However, grief is not a linear process: its stages can overlap and mix. Sometimes a person can remain stuck in one of these phases and, if they do not move forward on that path, they may feel unable to overcome the loss.
Perhaps the main obstacle that we all have to overcome when suffering a loss of any kind is learn not to stay stuck in the initial suffering; although sometimes the pain does not appear immediatelyso that grief begins with its stage of denial and there is no progress – there is no journey to accept this reality and face it –, so Grief can remain submerged and appear later.
Regardless of the order and form in which we save those phases, to emerge renewed to the new life that opens after the crisis caused by the loss, It is essential to go through them and you will overcome them all.
How to manage the pain of an absence
When loss occurs, the pain is intense, unbearable, physical and emotional. Everything that reminds us of the breakup makes us suffer. Learn to transform this sufferingvery intense, in a pain that we can accept, manage and with which we can live, is essential to move through healthy grief.
It is not convenient for us to anchor ourselves in suffering, but neither should we deny the pain.
To achieve this, we need, in addition to time – different for each person – to immerse ourselves in our pain, not reject it. (ignore it as if nothing had happened) or tie ourselves to its most disabling version (the suffering we have already talked about). If we deepen our sorrow, if we allow ourselves live it, mourn it and when we are ready, understand what happenedwe will be able to assimilate our new circumstances, accept them and face life with renewed enthusiasm. We can start againget out of our emotional paralysis and make new life plans.
Turning the page is not forgetting
Once assimilated and accepted, the pain of loss will always remain with uswill surely accompany us for life. However, it will not be a paralyzing or incapacitating pain, It will be one that reminds us of a version of ourselves from the pasta variant of ourselves who suffered, learned from the crisis and knew how to get out of it with renewed strength.
When we remember our loved oneWe will feel sorry, but we will no longer suffer and we can remember our time together from a new perspective. When we remember that wonderful teacher, we will not mourn his absence, but we will play the pieces he taught us using
their techniques. When we remember the time with our ex-husband, We can congratulate ourselves for having had the strength to overcome this significant stage of our lives.
A new beginning
Life involves a continuous transformation. Losing a loved one, a job, a partner, a serious illness, is very painful, but If we give ourselves the necessary time, we can come to assimilate, understand and accept our loss. And we will be prepared for life again.
Griefs show us that life involves pain, sadness, and deep sorrow, that we do not have to avoid these emotions and sensations, no matter how painful they may be.
Reflections that help you overcome it
1. Change is part of life.
“Everything changes, nothing remains” said Heraclitus. Accepting that in life there will always be losses, that we cannot control everything, helps us cope with life’s ups and downs with less suffering. The pain will be there but it will not take us by surprisesince we will know of its existence. Pain, then, does not become an enemy, but an old acquaintance. which must not be fought but accepted and understood.
2. Pain can accompany us.
Always living conditioned by the pain of the past or by the fear of possible suffering in the future does not help. If we focus on our present life we will enjoy, day by day, what we have. Let us flow through all the experiences that life offers us. The pain, the sadness, the anger… They are also part of our reality. If we accept them, their presence in our lives will not be marked by rejection.
3. We have the right to be sad.
Denying pain does not help us restore balance. Nor prolong our suffering for our loss. Giving ourselves permission to immerse ourselves in pain and express all emotions will allow us to experience grief and its phases. Let us not deny ourselves the vital need to go through crises. to overcome
grieving and directing our lives towards a new direction, first we have to assimilate, understand and accept what happened.
4. Each duel is a different journey.
Every loss entails rupture, suffering, pain and needs the time of mourning to be assimilated and understood. There is no loss big or small, grief cannot be measured. Sadness is a personal and subjective experience and no one can feel and understand its intensity in the same way. External opinions about suffering –based on judgments and even prejudices– They do not contribute anything, except more discomfort.
5. All losses count.
We not only grieve for the death of a loved one. That something that is important to us disappear from our lives (our pets, a job, a partner, a friendship…) can lead us to go through a real grieving process which, to be overcome, must be accepted and lived. Expressing our pain and understanding its meaning will help us assimilate our loss.
6. We can learn on this path.
Children also face grieving processes in their lives. In these circumstances, the attitude of the parents must be exquisite. Far from drama, we have to talk to them naturally about losses and changes as part of life. Of course, we should show our pain and talk about it, but trying to make them see that in life all emotions and feelings have their reason for being.