Where does the inability to commit come from? Why do we sometimes run away from the possibility of starting a stable relationship? Fear of abandonment or invasion are the emotions that hide this problem.

Teresa comes to see me in my office some time after separating. She is 38 years old and complains that the men she interacts with, and who are in the same situation, admit they get along very well with her, but do not take a step further. They don’t end up committing to the relationship as she would like.

This is what just happened to him with Luis: they went out, they had fun together, but when Teresa suggested that he get a little more involved in her life, for example, that he sometimes join dinners with his co-workers, he didn’t show up again.

I hear complaints of this type very often, especially from women, but also from some men. It is the constant complaint in therapeutic consultations and, of course, also in conversations “among friends.”

Fear of becoming romantically involved: why does it happen?

But is it really like that? What do men understand when women ask them for greater involvement in their lives? Why do they react the opposite of what they expect, that is, moving away? When women realize this “lack of commitment,” they sometimes resort to certain techniques to “catch” the man who, upon noticing these pressures, flees. And the consequence is that both men and women suffer more.

As a couples therapist I know that, behind that “lack of commitment” and that “complaint” about the apparent distance that the other puts, what there is is fear of suffering.. We are going to try to clarify this issue, giving some guidelines that will help us see what is hidden behind these attitudes, these understandable attempts to prevent pain.

The fear of commitment is neither more nor less than fear of what love implies, of the challenge it imposes on us. Generally, if the woman complains about lack of commitment, the man complains because he feels pressured. This complaint about lack of involvement is due, in most cases, to fear of abandonment. And the resistance to delivery responds, in general, to the fear of being invaded.

Fears that feed on each other

They are complementary fears, which enhance each other, in a vicious circle. which can lead the couple to a crisis and perhaps a separation. If you don’t understand what’s going on deep down, you can end up in this situation that neither of you wants.

The first thing is to understand what love consists of. What puts us at stake. How much and how what the other does and says affects us. And why. Not even the most intense and happy relationship saves us from feeling helpless. On the contrary, because the fear of loss is also stronger. And it can color with somber colors any gesture of the other that is not exactly what we expect.

The other is really “another”, not a mere appendage or extension of ourselves, and that is why the slightest of their gestures can hurt us. And we may call “lack of commitment” an attitude that we are actually perceiving as an alarm signal, as a “danger of abandonment.” But it is not “the other” who has sent that signal, but the intensity of the relationship itself, which revives very deep feelings.

Every time we fall in love, all the emotions that were recorded in childhood come back to the present, not only the happy ones but also the moments in which we have felt fears, frustrations, too rigid controls…

The case of any couple: Juan and Ana

I remember Juan’s case, because it is very representative of the problem we are trying to clarify. “Ana invades me with her requests. He manipulates me in such a way that I have even stopped going to work meetings, so he doesn’t get angry.. If I do something she doesn’t like, I feel like I’m a bad person. “I have been conceding, conceding, and now I am angry too.”

Any act by Ana was interpreted by him as manipulation, and she felt like abandonment whatever Juan did. Living together became so difficult that Juan decided to leave home for a while. Curiously, now that he lived alone, he had changed his car for the model that Ana liked the most, thereby expressing that the alleged “manipulation” was more his problem than his wife’s.

Causes: traces of the past

Juan went on to tell me that his mother had asked him several times, in an imperative tone, when he would return home. Juan’s reaction was to get tangled up in endless explanations and justifications. I pointed out to him that, at 40 years old, he didn’t need to justify himself like that and that he could set a limit. «But how do you want me to do it? She’s my mother,» he told me.

Thus scenes from his childhood emerged, and through them he was able to express old feelings that he kept frozen regarding his mother. How much she controlled him, how she believed she was the absolute owner of the truth, and how he strived to please her.

That situation had turned him into a person hypersensitive to manipulation.he saw everything through that lens and his relationships suffered. When he perceived that the demand was excessive, he walked away. He equipped himself against what could make him suffer.

The fear of invasion is ultimately the fear of ceasing to be oneself.

A role conflict

This situation is experienced especially by men, because traditionally they have been given the duty of taking responsibility for the material and emotional well-being of the “clan.” The concern about fulfilling that role can invade to such a point that one is afraid to stop being “oneself.” What Ana perceived as “lack of commitment” was an attempt to defend a space where she would not feel that fear. Juan had reached a dead end: he could neither do what he wanted nor what his wife wanted.

But there are ways out of that alley. The path I propose is to learn to tolerate the displeasure of others, to set limits and dare to say “no.” To achieve this it is necessary to accept that no one is omnipotent, something that is difficult for most men. And it is not an easy job, since setting limits for others implies recognizing your own.

How to redirect the relationship?

Juan and Ana were able to reunite when he was able to support his own desires without affecting her fear of abandonment. If he had to go to a business dinner he would go, but he learned to convey it so that Ana would not receive it from her own fear. Now he gave the message in a different way: “You could pick me up after dinner and we’ll go have a drink.”

For her part, Ana learned not to always interpret Juan’s attitudes as “lack of commitment” and to explore what was happening to her. The fear of abandonment generates so much anxiety that it does not allow us to value our experiences. Since I cannot bear the idea of ​​separating, I demand more and more “commitment” demonstrating that my dedication is absolute.

However, the surrender of someone who fears being abandoned is never “absolute,” because it is based on fear. A fear that seeks to calm itself through possession and control over the other. There is true surrender when you accept the other as they are. The fear of abandonment is combated by developing self-confidence and dialogue with others.

Openness and trust are contagious attitudes. If each one is able to look at what is happening inside them, they will also be able to open themselves to what is happening to the other. The first commitment of love is the commitment to what we feel, and true courage lies in looking for the keys to our fears.

Strengthening commitment

If we love someone, why do we sometimes find it difficult to commit? If someone loves us, why does he seem reluctant to commit? Maybe he can’t because of his fears, or we prevent him because of ours. Below we offer a series of keys that will allow you to identify those fears that create barriers to commitment and will help you clear them up.

1. Identify your feelings

Try to detect how you feel in front of your partner and also in front of your family, your friends and your co-workers. Do you feel belittled, excluded or not loved enough? Or perhaps trapped, pressured or not free enough to express your own desires and needs?

2. Face fear

Get close to those fears and face them. Begin this first movement with the certainty that it is there – in fear – where the root of the problem lies. Both the fear of commitment and the fear of the other’s lack of commitment. It is surely an “old” fear that reappears, harming your emotional relationships.

3. Review your past

Try to remember moments from your childhood when you were disturbed by the same sensations that disturb you now. Try to evoke scenes from childhood in which you feared being abandoned. In which you have felt too watched, too subjected to parental or maternal control, or another reference figure.

4. Relive your childhood

Focus on these scenes. Observe yourself in the past, reliving those situations. How did you react to the fear that your mother didn’t love you enough? Did you perceive a “lack of attention”, and that is why you feared that he would abandon you? Or did you enclose yourself in an iron shell to defend yourself from what you felt was excessive control on the part of your father or mother?

5. Change some attitudes

Ask yourself if those old reactions are present in your current relationships. Notice how they are similar, think if it is not the same “movie”. The script is written by your basic fears. Change it by imagining other scenes. Learn to express different attitudes towards your partner, now that you know the origin of your fears and intuit the probable cause of theirs.

6. Share your fears

Try to recognize the symptoms of those fears that threaten the health of the relationship. Share them with your partner, instead of repeating, like a carbon copy, the reactions of your childhood or adolescence. Help your partner identify their fears and what causes them, and share them with you.

To know more

In Why Men Don’t Commit (Ed. Urano), by George Weinberg, men’s fear of commitment is seen as a myth, and it is shown why they sometimes run away from a relationship. Loving yourself with your eyes open (Ed. RBA, Integral), by Jorge Bucay and Silvia Salinas, invites us to think about the meaning of being in a couple. In Loving or Depending (Ed. Granica), Walter Riso teaches us that dedication and commitment do not imply dependence.