In a relationship, libido varies depending on the stage one is experiencing. There are circumstances such as the arrival of a child, a bereavement, an illness or a time of stress, which can affect the sexual desire. After a time of intense sexual activity, it also usually happens that desire and activity are reduced and then reborn and fluctuate.
However, Sometimes it is excessively normalized that sex is something sporadic. We let obligations take up most of our time and we relegate pleasure again and again. Tensions regarding taking care of children, the house, the economy or work push us to live with our backs to our sexualityto forget that part of ourselves.
Little by little we disconnect from our body and we are surprised when sexual desire does not respond to our will.
Lack of libido in the couple
Lack of sexual desire is one of the reasons that most frequently lead couples to visit a sexologist. «Why doesn’t my partner pursue me sexually» or «Why don’t I have a libido with my partner» are common complaints or concerns.
«I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But «I haven’t felt like making love with my partner for a long time.»laments Laura. «After having been together for so many years, perhaps it is normal that the routine has eaten the desire. I also wonder if our relationship is coming to an end and we don’t dare face it. I would love to feel alive again and be someone who desires again; nevertheless, Responsibilities, work and stress don’t leave me time for anything.».
These are Laura’s words, but surely many people can identify with them. suffers what is known as Inhibition of Sexual Desire (IDS)one of the most common sexual disorders.
How to recover and maintain sexual desire in a couple
Sexual energy requires attention and nourishment to grow.. We need to cultivate intimacy and provide daily pampering so that it does not disappear. Our body also has a slower rhythm than our mind, which usually takes up all the space during the day.
Several strategies can help us keep that sexual energy active and open, or recover it if it feels like it has diminished:
1. Take time to go slow
Cultivate slowness helps to give new prominence to the sensory experiences, which are those that revive libido. In the same way that one has to stand before a work of art to appreciate it, we need to stop to enjoywhether watching our partner while he undresses, savoring the warmth of his hand on our face or letting ourselves be caressed by the whisper of his voice in our ear…
2. Relax with massages and caresses
Sensuality and desire also need caresses. When was the last time you gave or received a massage?
Through touch the body releases tension and relaxes. The mind begins to stop and the sensations emerge to the surface, because we once again pay attention to our corporality.
This also allows us to better distinguish what we like or what we dislike.
3. Feed desire with games and exercises that activate libido
Another way to develop sexual energy is play.. This requires that we feel free and comfortable to explore our body and that of our partner with the curiosity and spontaneity of a childas long as the other person gives us permission to do so.
The skin of the whole body It can become an erogenous zone if we go through it with the fingertips or the tip of the tongue.
One of the exercises proposed in the therapy sessions that helped Laura the most in overcoming her Inhibition of Sexual Desire was caress the entire body of the partner, avoiding the genitals and penetration. Then her partner did the same with her.
This technique, known as Non-Genital Sensory Focushelped them both to feel and give pleasure without another objective. They learned to be present and They overcame their bystander syndromewhich often prevented their enjoyment. Those who suffer from it observe themselves during sexual intercourse, judge themselves and do not allow themselves to be «here and now.»
4. Favor special encounters that increase desire
«Sensuality is the total mobilization of the senses», writes Milan Kundera. That is why it is convenient take care of the details that surround the sexual encounter and stimulate sight, sound, smell, taste and touch to increase arousal.
Can look for a new space (a hotel, the living room carpet, the kitchen…), take care of the lighting, cover an area of the body with chocolate and savor some pieces of fruit at the same time, play suggestive music…
Maybe we can dare get naked little by little after a tasty dinner or a dance that helps us loosen the body.
Have you ever wondered which sense promotes the most excitement in you? How do you imagine a meeting with your partner in which all the senses find a special stimulation? Take some time to reflect on it.
Another option is, for example, to prepare some bowls with food of different textures, flavors and aromas: some strawberries, cream, vanilla, chocolate… Blindfold your partner and give them a try one by one little by little. Combine it with a massage, and then ask your partner to do it for you.
5. preserve one’s own independence
Esther Perel, the author of Erotic intelligence: keys to maintaining passion in a couplewarns that totally predictable results cause interest in the other person to decline. «Fire needs air», he assures. As Shakira sings, «It was the monotony…».
Often arousal also depends on whether we can perceive something untamed and mysterious in our partner. This requires that each one knows how to maintain a certain independencesomething that does not always correspond to the beliefs that have been instilled in us about what a loving relationship «should be.»
Take care of yourself, set aside time to be alone and prioritize our needs Beyond what the other wants, it has bad press, but it is also the basis from which the we is nourished. «Be together, but not too closebecause the pillars of the temple are apart. And neither the oak grows under the shade of the cypress, nor the cypress under the shade of the oak.» wrote Khalil Gibran.
In Laura’s case, getting rid of some outdated beliefs and develop positive egoism It was beneficial for his sexuality. And only when we are good with ourselves, can we be good with others. When we manage to make ourselves our priority, we tend to be able to see others better and give and receive from an authentic place.
6. Feed sexual fantasies
«The other personI say it with all the love in the world, It is a tool to achieve pleasure. Sexual interaction is a brotherhood of selfish people», says sexologist Valérie Tasso. And, in this dance of «egoisms», the sexual fantasies of each one play a determining role. That’s why it’s important nourish our sexual imaginationthe fuel that feeds the libido and gives variety to the sexual encounter.
Think more about sex, read or watch scenes full of eroticism – together or alone – makes the brain visit scenarios and be filled with stimulating images that increase excitement.
There are exploratory fantasiesin which we imagine having group sex or experiences with people of different sexual orientation; and intimate, related to oral sex, kisses, making love outdoors, on the beach while people watch you, etc. They all belong to the imagination: they do not have to come true nor should they be judged.
«I was afraid and ashamed to imagine certain things. But, since I allow myself to fantasize without limits, putting aside all moral judgment, I am pleasantly surprised to see how my desire has not only awakened, but feeds itself.», Laura confessed in her last session.
7. Face the problem
One has to dare to explore how one’s own sexuality is lived and confront the problem when we feel that our sex life is not satisfactory.
In the face of a lack of sexual desire, it is key talk about what happens to us, especially with our partnersince it can help to glimpse the path to the solution. Also ask yourself what relationship you have with your sexuality and if you give it enough space in your life.
8. Ask for what is needed
It is about daring to share activities with your partner that help awaken that dormant libido, such as sexual fantasies, sending each other a sensual message, trying new situations, erotic toys… In other words, investigating and exploring.
But it is important, to enjoy it, that you also dare to ask for what you need. Talk before, during and after having sexual relations with love, respect and without reproaches It will help you get to know each other better and even increase excitement. Ask Him for what you need. A moan or an «I love it» can be a good start.
9. Learn to love your own body
Feeling that your body is not perfect enough is one of the enemies of desire. Instead of judging him, we can focus on the positive.
An exercise that helps is to caress it while we consciously hydrate it and thank each area.
10. Release the hips
Spending most of the day sitting causes a loss of tone in the pelvic floor muscles, which are essential in the process of sexual arousal.
Strengthen it by moving your hips (zumba, salsa, belly dance, etc.), yoga, pilates…