Why is it so difficult for us to say things clearly without hurting others?? Finding this balance that allows us to communicate what we feel and need, but in good ways, is key to our relationships. And the psychologist Olga Albaladejo, whom we count on to address this challenge, is clear about what the main obstacle is.
“Many times we associate clarity with harshness,” he explains, “we think that if we soften, we will not be heard; and if we speak frankly, we hurt.” But this is not so. The truth is that, as the expert explained to us, the only thing we need is to “learn to balance honesty with empathy,” because “Saying what we feel does not mean downloading it without a filter.”
And to achieve this, the psychologist has left us these ten keys that you must integrate into your way of communicating to communicate assertively. That is, to “express our emotions, needs and opinions in a clear and respectful manner, without submitting or imposing ourselves.”
1. Think before you speak
Maybe your mother also gave you the first advice. that of“when you get angry, count to three”. Because the truth is that it is the first step, and perhaps the most effective, to avoid ending up exploding.
“Taking a few seconds before responding prevents anger from dictating the tone,” the expert explains. And, from his experience, ““That pause allows us to choose the words, instead of firing on automatic.” For example, «if someone is late, instead of saying ‘It’s always the same with you!’, we can breathe and think: ‘What do I really want? For me to value my time…’.» From this point, we will be able to communicate this more assertively.
2. Speak from “I” instead of “you”
The expert’s next advice is to change the focus of the prayer. That is, change a “you always make me feel bad” (you), for a “I feel frustrated when you do this.”
The change in focus seems subtle, but it is effective. “In psychology we call it ‘first-person messages,’” explains Olga, “because they focus on how we experience the situation, not on attacking others.”
3. Take care of your tone and non-verbal language
If speaking using the first person can help, the expert asks us to keep in mind that when communicating “Not only the words matter, but also the facial expression, posture and volume of the voice.”
«Sometimes, A harsh look or an ironic tone hurts more than what we say«, says Albaladejo. For her, the golden rule is «speak with the same calmness with which we would like to be spoken to.»
4. Choose the right moment
“Addressing a delicate topic in the middle of a discussion is not the same as in a quiet space,” the psychologist continues with her recommendations. And, to be successful when communicating, the moment is almost as important as the forms. «Saying things clearly does not mean saying them at any time. If we are very upset, it is better to postpone the conversation,» adds the expert.
5. Be specific and concrete
There is something that we should avoid in any type of conversation, but especially in those that have a high emotional charge, and are the generalizations. Those “you never do anything right” or “you’re always late”. Because as the expert warns us, these expressions “harm because they are unfair.”
As an alternative, Olga suggests “describe a specific behavior”, because this «opens the possibility of change. For example, the phrase «you are always late» could be changed to: «When you arrived 20 minutes late yesterday, I felt like you didn’t take me into account. I would like you to let me know if you are late.”
6. Validate the emotion of the other
Another trick that can help us communicate what we feel without hurting others is to validate their emotions. “Before talking about what we need, we can recognize how the other person feels.» Olga proposes to us. It is enough to say «I know you have had a difficult day and I understand that you are tired», because as the expert explains to us, «this validation does not take away the strength of what we are going to say, on the contrary. It opens the door to understanding.»
7. Use the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) formula
When we tend to get very nervous when expressing ourselves, Olga Albaladejo puts a valuable tool on the table. The Nonviolent Communication, or NVCwhich is “a structure that avoids blame and focuses on building.”
“The CNV proposes four steps,” he explains, “observation (facts), emotion, need and request”. To make it clearer, the expert offers us an example: «When you leave the dishes on the table (fact), I feel burdened (emotion), because I need order to be calm (need). I ask you to put them in the dishwasher after eating (request).»
8. Difference between sincerity and relief
In addition to practical advice, Olga Albaladejo invites us to also reflect on the reasons why we start a talk. And, as the psychologist explains“not everything we think needs to be saidand even less hot. Being clear does not mean blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.”
We can differentiate both circumstances with a simple rule that the expert offers us: «Sincerity builds; venting discharges, but hurts.» Therefore, it is enough to ask ourselves: “Is what I’m going to say going to improve something or is it just going to free me?”
9. Propose solutions, don’t just criticize
Once we have explained what hurts us, the expert recommends we offer solutions. And it is that “Pointing out what doesn’t work without offering alternatives puts the other person on the defensive.”
The alternative, Olga explains to us, is add a proposal. This makes “the conversation become constructive.” For example, instead of saying, «You distract me,» we can say, «I find it difficult to concentrate when you interrupt me in the meeting. Would you like us to take turns to intervene?»
10. Remember the link as a goal
Finally, Olga asks us to remember that the objective in any conversation is always to take care of the bond.. “The meaning of speaking clearly is to strengthen the relationship, not to be right«, he explains. «If we keep this in mind, our words change their tone. It’s not about hurting or silencing, but rather finding the point that takes care of both.” Because it’s no use talking about things if it’s to destroy them.
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