Be it for perfectionism or by our natural impulse to pleasemany times we do more than we should. And even so, there will always be someone dissatisfied. How can we deal with the feeling of frustration or shame what produces us not being up to par What others expect?

From a young age we learn to meet expectations of the others. When they give us the grades at school, we want our parents are proud of us. In it jobwe like that they recognize and congratulate us. As regards the friendswithout realizing it we make ourselves necessary and we even reach adopt the role of saviors. This constant demand It has a danger that can rob us of calm: the fear of disappointing.

trained not to disappoint

For very helpful and diligent whatever we are, there will always be someone who doesn’t think it’s enough what we deliver to you, or will expect something differentor will he expect us to cover some needs that have not been communicated to us.

This would be the case of a friend who is going through a bad time about which he has not informed us. It occurs a silence on your part that we can understand in a thousand ways: perhaps it is very busyor maybe he’s having a really bad time.

When He finally tells us his personal drama, He reproaches us for not having been attentive, for not having asked What was the reason for that silence?. This is where one says something like: «I’m not a fortune teller. Anything you need, you can ask me».

Although it is documented, reflection is attributed to Buddha «He who has fifty friends has fifty headaches». Forks a truth that does not fail that, if your social circle is wide enough, There will always be one or two people mad at you.

This usually causes us discomfort because we have been trained not to disappoint. However, something we learn with maturity is that It is not possible to satisfy everyoneguessing their intentions and desires.

mirror disease

What I will tell you next is an extreme case.

Who has read my memories of youth, Wolves change the riverknow the history of Eloia cousin that I I felt like my older brother. He had been my guide and mentor in many vital aspects.

By fulfilling the twenty yearswho was a child prodigy started to have serious existential problems. He did not fit into the reality that surrounded him and started to feel out of place in an increasingly painful way, no matter how much had the support of the people who loved him.

Once He confessed to me:
–Know? I have the impression that, when I came into the world, they gave me a suit that is too big for me.
As part of a larger disorder, he was diagnosed with «mirror disease». People suffering from this disease not recognized when viewed on a reflective surface because it does not correspond to the idealized image that they have of themselves.

For this and many other reasons, Eloi couldn’t sleep. Psychiatrists tried to find a medication to stabilize youbut they couldn’t do it. Did a suicide attempt that put us all on guard. Your family and your friends we redouble our attentiontrying to be close to him and provide companybut it was not possible to do it all the time.

Until the inevitable happened early one afternoon. I left the house to go to work half an hour earlier than usual. I had met a friend from school for coffee. And it was just in this half hour when, as my mother informed me, Eloi had called on the phone asking for me.

Minutes then he would end his life. In addition to the desolation and a mourning that lasted yearsI felt guilty for not having been there when he needed me. What would have happened if, instead of leaving half an hour earlier, he had been home to pick up the phone? Maybe we would have chatted, or I would even have sneaked out to see him. Maybe I could have talked him out of it.
I felt like I had failed him.

to love is to disappoint

Now I understand that it is impossible to save anyone all the time. Even if we would like to give ourselves to others as a life mission, there is areas of your needs that we will never be able to cover. This is true in all areas: in the family and in the circle of friendsalso in our profession.

As imperfect human beings that we arealways there will be something that goes over our heads or in that we fail. This is a law in relationships interpersonal. To love is, sometimes, to disappoint.

He game of expectations It’s a whole issue at the couple’s level. When there is no infidelity involved, most relationships break up because one of the parties expect something that the other cannot give.

After endless reproachesthe conflict ends up being like a competition full of accusations. The singer-songwriter Víctor Manuel explains it this way in a song about the breakup: «Who put more?, the two throw each other in the face, “Who put more? Let the balance tip, Who put more warmth, tenderness and understanding?». This type of discussions are absurd for several reasons.

ACCEPT THE OTHER AS THEY ARE

One is that Love cannot be measured objectively. The other is that each person is only capable of giving what they have. You can’t ask someone Sparse in words that it is a communicative marvel, in the same way that a fearful or conservative person will not surprise us with a great adventure.

For me, the fundamental requirement of love – also towards oneself – is acceptance. To love is to see and accept who is in front of youwith all its imperfections, hoping that it also accepts yours and recognizes you.

Fall in love with what this person could becomeso that it suits us more, It’s not true love. If loving is, sometimes, disappointing, we must prevent mental peace from depending on the validation of others.

THERE IS ALWAYS THOSE WHO ASK FOR MORE

It is about assume that many times we will be able to be useful to others and that other times we will simply we will not live up to your expectations. If he love what they profess to us is sincerebecause it arises from the acceptance of who we are and what we can give, The disappointment will be forgotten very quickly to continue enjoying together of the road. Even by people to whom we are not linked, there will always be those who ask for more than reasonable.

In my case, every day they come to me through the email and through social networks. dozens of requests from people I don’t know: write a prologue, give an opinion on a book, assist someone who wants to explain a project. I am forced to disappoint you because time is what it is, and I don’t want to find myself like Hermann Hesse, who in the last decades of his life he could not write books because he felt obliged to answer the thousands of letters they sent him.

And what to say about the self-deceptionwhen we did not achieve do everything what we have proposed? About this, a couple of centuries ago, Ralph Waldo Emerson already said wisely: «End each day without regrets. You have done what you could and tomorrow will be another day».

review expectations

Reconsidering our disposition and freedom of choice is a way to avoid disappointments.

• A very optimistic agenda. Overloading the calendar with commitments that in the end we cannot fulfill is the source of many disappointments – our own and those of others. Before having to say «I can’t live with it,» be prudent with your agenda without being overly optimistic.
• Calculate the time. Before agreeing to do a favor, estimate the time you will invest. Then, ask yourself honestly: Do I want to give these hours of my life to that person for what they ask of me?
• Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In our desire to be assertive, we can go to the other extreme and refuse everything that is proposed to us. The balanced thing is to discern what we really want or what we have to do. Sometimes we will accept; and other times, no.
• Change your mind. Having accepted something does not mean that you cannot retract it if something unforeseen arises or something that needs to be done as a priority. After the corresponding apology and explanation, you have the right and freedom to recover that time.
• Be careful with promises. Make decisions, better with serenity. A Chinese proverb says: “When you are filled with great joy, do not promise anything to anyone. When you are overcome with great anger, do not answer any letters. In both cases, you run the risk of disappointment.
• Recognize a “not yet.” If you’re disappointed that you haven’t accomplished something, writer Maggie Stiefvater advises distinguishing «No»—for example, when your manuscript is rejected—from what it actually means: «Not yet.» You can do it later.

If you have been interested in this article and would like to reTo learn more about a healthy lifestyle, join the Bodymente WhatsApp channel.