Is there anything more unpleasant than feeling like something is being thrown in your face? Yes, let them do it in the middle of an argument. There are many dynamics in which this can happen, in couples, in families and even in work environments. The objective, however, is usually always the same: emotional manipulation.

Lucas Sánchez, writer and graduate in Philosophy, offers in Quora his own explanation of the phenomenon. “It is a manipulation strategy,” he says, and it is “widely used by both narcissists and psychopaths”. To protect ourselves against them, nothing is more powerful than information.

A manipulation tactic

Almost everything that makes you feel senseless guilt is intended to manipulate you. It is like this, and this is how Sánchez explains it in his post. The natural thing when you complain about something to someone, when you do it with reason, is that they apologize and acknowledge it. On the other hand, manipulative people “limit themselves to throwing things in your face”, getting thus diverting attention and manipulating youwhether out of malice or lack of self-esteem.

But why do we feel guilty when someone throws something in our face? The reason is explained to us by the psychologist Claudia Nicolasa in her latest book, It’s manipulation and you don’t know it (Zenith), and it is practically written in our DNA.

The principle of reciprocity

If humanity has prospered to become what it is today, it has been, to a large extent, thanks to the famous principle of reciprocity. Or what is the same, give and receive. “When someone helps us, our human nature, altruistic and supportive, drives us to return the favor,” writes the psychologist, “in essence, there is nothing wrong with it, because as a species we have learned to help each other to increase our survival properties.”

In fact, as Nicolasa explains in his book, It is something we regularly see on a daily basis. “There are companies that give you something so that later you feel that you must reciprocate with a purchase,” he explains, “especially friendly service personnel to earn a good tip, beggars who open the church door for you to receive an alms.” All of these examples do not necessarily have to be negative. The problem comes when someone uses this natural tendency to correspond for dark purposes.

Debt control

In her book, Nicolasa exposes various cases of people who have passed through her consultation, such as that of a young man who was experiencing serious financial problems, but refused to ask his wealthy family for help. The reason why he did it was discovered in therapy: his parents were very toxic people who used debt as a principle of control and manipulation.

Manipulative people, the psychologist explains, “take advantage of this innate impulse (that of reciprocity) to impose their will.” It can happen, like the example that Sánchez proposes, in a discussion. But also in many other aspects of life.

The problem with these people is that “once you accept their help, they never forget it, and they make you feel indebted for life,” explains Nicolasa. So “if you open that ‘exchange’ channel, They will remind you incessantly and will even try to generate more debteven if it is in advance, until you end up subject to his will.”

This situation evolves until “claims end up arising in the arguments in the form of blackmail and recriminations«And this is when we are lost, because they disarm us in our most vulnerable moment.

Exit the cycle

To escape this horrible manipulation that is carried out with debt, Nicolasa explains in his book, we must nip it in the bud. “If you detect manipulators of this style, who you know will charge you what they offer you with ‘interest’, it is best that you do not ask or accept their favors, help and gifts,” he continues, “In this way, you will greatly reduce manipulations.”

In order to break this cycle, therefore, we will have to develop skills that allow us to do so, expand the circle in which we move, accept that perhaps our conditions will be more complicated for some time. Because, although we can’t all do it alone, sometimes the price of a favor is too high. However, those who have understood that the debt is never paid when it comes to manipulators, says Nicolasa, «in the face of obstacles, now prioritize their independence and peace of mind.» Because this, at the end of the day, is the most important thing.

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