We reproduce here an excerpt from an article written by the Canadian facilitator Heather Plett in which he tells what she learned about the meaning of accompanying with presence following the support that she and her family received from Ann, a palliative care nurse who attended her mother during the last days of her life.

What does it mean to accompany another person with presence? It means that we are willing to walk next to another person on any path in which it is, without judging it, without making you feel inadequate, without trying to repair or fix your life, without trying to have an impact on the result. When we are accompanying with presence, we open our hearts, we offer unconditional support, and abandon our judgments and our desire to control.

(…)

Sometimes, we are accompanying who in turn accompany others with their presence. (…) It is impossible to accompany without someone accompanying us. Even the stronger leaders, nurses, coaches, etc., need to know that they have who can be vulnerable and weak, without fear of being judged.

To really support a person in his own growth, transformation, duel, etc., we cannot take away his power (for example, trying to fix his problems), embarrass him (for example, implying that he should know more about what he knows), or overwhelms (for example, giving him more information than he is prepared to receive). We have to know how to separate us so that the other person can make their own decisions, offer unconditional love and support, kindly guide when necessary, and make him feel safe even when he is wrong.

Accompany with presence is not something that only corresponds to facilitators, caregivers or Coachs. It is something that we can all do for others: couples, children, friends, neighboring even unknown people with whom we start a conversation in a bus displacement to work.

These are the lessons that I have learned from Ann and other people who have accompanied me with presence.

1.Dar permission for the other person to trust their own intuition and wisdom.

When we were accompanying my mother during her last days, we did not have any similar previous experience, and yet, intuitively, we knew what was necessary. We knew how to bring his fragile body to the bathroom, we knew how to sit next to him and sing him, and we knew how to give him love. We even knew when it was time to inject the medication to calm your pain. With love, Ann transmitted that we did not have to do things following a protocol of health care – we had simply trusted our accumulated intuition and wisdom after many years of loving our mother.

2. Limit to give the amount of information that is assumed for those who receive it.

Ann gave us a few simple instructions and some brochures, but did not overwhelmed us with more information than we could process at that time of grieving so delicate for us. An excess of information would have made us felt incompetent and useless.

3. Do not remove power.

When we remove another person the power to make decisions, we allow it to feel useless and incompetent. There are times when we must take the reins and decide for others (for example, when someone faces some type of addiction and intervene seems to be the only way to save him), but in almost all circumstances, people need autonomy to make their own elections (even our children). Ann knew that we needed to feel empowered to make decisions in our mother’s name and offered us his support, but never tried to control or go.

4. Keep our own ego out of the subject.

This is very important. We all fall into this trap – when we begin to believe that the success of a person depends on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects our ineptitude, or when we convince ourselves that any emotion that the other person discharges in us has to do with us. It is a trap in which I have ever fallen teaching. I can worry my own success more (do students like it? Do your notes reflect my ability as a teacher?, Etc.), than the success of my students. But that doesn’t work for anyone – not even myself. To really support your growth, I must keep my ego out of the equation and create a space, accompany so that they can grow and learn.

5. Transmit to the other person the peace of mind that it can be wrong.

When the other person is learning, or going through a duel or transition, it is very likely that I make mistakes along the way. When we, who are accompanied with presence, avoid judging the other person or humiliating it, we offer the opportunity to look inside and find the courage to risk and resilience to continue even if it is wrong. When we transmit that errors are simply a part of the trip and not the end of the world, the other person will dedicate more time to learn from them than to blame for them.

6. Guide and help from humility and consideration.

A wise person who accompanies with presence knows when to avoid giving advice (for example, when they can make the person feel silly and inadequate) and when to offer them kindly (for example, when the person asks, or when he is so lost that he does not know very well what to ask for). Although Ann did not take power or autonomy, he did offer to come to help us bathe our mother and do some of the most difficult care of care. This relieved us a lot, because we had no experience and we did not want our mother to feel uncomfortable (for example, having to be naked before her children). It is a delicate dance that we all have to do when we are accompanying with presence. Recognizing the areas in which the other person feels more vulnerable and incapable and offering proper help without bothering implies practice and humility.

7. Create a space to host complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.

When a person feels accompanied with a deeper presence of the one who is accustomed, there is a trust that facilitates that some complex emotions that normally remain hidden. Who has experience in accompanying with presence, knows that this can happen and will be prepared to welcome these emotions kindly and without judging them. In «The Circle Way», we talk about being a container. The circle becomes a space in which the person feels enough confidence to collapse without fear of breaking forever or that no one shames it. There is always someone to offer strength and courage. It is not an easy task, and it is something that I still learn every time I facilitate complicated conversations. We cannot do it if we feel hypersensitive, if we have not done the arduous work of looking inside our own shadows, or if we do not trust the people we are accompanying with our presence, for which we are holding a space. In the case of Ann, she welcomed us with consideration, compassion and trust. If in his way of accompanying us he would not have shown us that he was able to handle difficult situations, or if he had transmitted to us that he was scared of death, we would not have been able to trust it as we did.

8. Sound that the other person made decisions other than those that you would take and have different experiences than you would have.

Accompanying with presence has to do with respecting the differences of each person and recognizing that these differences can lead to decisions that we would not take. Sometimes, for example, decisions based on cultural norms that we cannot understand from our own experience are made. When we accompany with presence, we stop controlling and honoring our differences. An example of this was when Ann supported us when making the decision on what to do with our mother’s body when his spirit would no longer inhabit it. If we had needed to do any ritual before they took it, we were free to do so in the intimacy of our home.

Accompanying with presence is not something that we can learn from one day to another, or that can be explained with a list of tips like the ones I just gave. It is something complex that evolves as we practice it, and it is something unique for each person and situation.

If you have any experience or point of view that you want to share about accompanying with presence, you can write your comment here, on the blog.

Author: Heather Plett
Adapted translation of Carlota Franco

Original article: «What it means to« Hold Space »for People, Plus Eight Tips On How To do It Well«