When we discover that our partner has been unfaithful to us, the first reactions to that infidelity are usually question our own worththinking if we have not been as good as we should have been, that we have not given enough, that the person with whom he has cheated on us surpasses our qualities and that is why they have replaced us.

Discovering a partner’s infidelity shakes us and, to be able to face it, it is important to allow ourselves to feel what we feel, not deny our feelings, and listen to ourselves. However, it is also important to remember that infidelity is something quite common and that it has nothing (or perhaps little) to do with everything that goes through our minds.

Therefore, to understand and overcome infidelity we would first have to go back a little further to the origins and understand how the relationship has been formed.

Fidelity (and infidelity) is a matter of will

Fidelity, far from being a natural condition of our species by default, is due more to a matter of will, that is, a purpose that one sets and that agrees with another person.

Unlike other species that have a whole series of behaviors to follow encoded in their genetics, human beings do not have things so clear. Somehow, our intelligence does not make things easy for usand on the contrary, we are responsible for our own actions by having a great power of choice.

The truth is that we We are monogamous by culture, not by nature.. This is a fact that we can verify by observing all the varieties and combinations of love relationships that exist between people on our planet, from polygamy in which one can marry several people at the same time, open relationships, polyamory, swingers…

Therefore, actually The ideas we have about love and relationships are closely linked to cultural and religious factors..

In our culture we have an idea of ​​a loving relationship based on exclusivity and fidelity, and on «until death do us part.» But we cannot forget that this type of relationship is based on an acquired commitment, and not on a natural condition.

From this approach, infidelity is based on the breaking of this covenant two by two, violating the trust that has been placed in the other and all those common plans.

Being faithful in the times of “carpe diem”?

We currently live in a society in which everything is accelerating and we have little tolerance for waiting and frustration. The development of technology, of the Internet, of information overload, all of this makes us live from a perspective of immediacy.

And furthermore, we lose the sense of struggle, of waiting, of patience, of delicacy and care, that «sow and then reap» philosophy.

That brings us back to a hedonistic lifestyle, a constant search for pleasure and avoidance of not-so-pleasant sensations, which is leading to changes at many levels in our way of living.

The popularity of phrases like “Carpe Diem” or “YOLO” (you only live once) among younger people gives us a clue about this. This situation overlaps with the ideal of couples already established for years, causing some crises.

What to do when faced with infidelity?

Discovering infidelity in your relationship is a hard blow that leaves consequences that are difficult to repair and without knowing what path we should take next. Therefore, allow yourself to feel your emotions, listen to yourself, take a breath. Facing infidelity, it is possible.

1. Face the situation

You have probably discovered infidelity through several suspicions that have led you to investigate about whether it could be happening, or without having expected it, finding the evidence by surprise.

Sometimes the discovery it leaves us so dumbfounded that we are afraid to confront our partner with what we have discovered, for the consequences that we will inevitably know will occur from that moment on.

take a time to meditate and above all to calm your emotionsbut it is important that, when you feel ready, you face the situation.

2. Talk to your partner

In the face of infidelity, it is important to be able to establish a dialogue that is as rational as possible, despite the strong emotions that may be aroused. Therefore, you have to find the right time and place, without forcing things, and giving time to time.

When both parties are willing to engage in this dialogue, we must clarify what happened. Try to express your emotions in the best possible way, make him understand how you feel about having discovered that he has been unfaithful to you and how you experience the situation. But also let your partner express themselves and explain your perception of the facts and your reasons for carrying out the infidelity.

Resolve your doubts, but be careful, without leading to the invasion of the other.

3. Don’t feel guilty

It is not your fault that your partner has been unfaithful to you.. This has been a decision freely made by your partner. Infidelity can have many causes, such as a lack of responsibility for the relationship on the part of the partner who commits it, impulsivity, lack of control of desire…

However, also It may be that some aspects of your relationship have influencedand although nothing justifies infidelity, you are both responsible for how your relationship was.

4. Clarify things

If a relationship is based on two people fighting for common goals, It is important to rethink what those objectives were or arewhat you expect from each other, what could have gone wrong, what you are looking for in a relationship, make it clear on which points you agree and on which you have different visions.

5. Accept what happened

Accept that infidelity has occurred, that our ideal has fallen from the pedestalthe disappointment that comes with thinking about all the shared plans with what just happened, is undoubtedly a very hard step. However, there is no choice but to accept that it has happened.

6. Seek support

In these moments it is very important to surround yourself with people who love you and whom you can trust.. They can help you get through the tough times and offer you some advice, if they know your relationship well. However, be careful and treat the issue delicately and confidentially, and remember that, at the end of the day, you are the one in the relationship and the decision of what to do about infidelity lies with you.

Do relaxing activities and distract yourself. Maybe it would be good for you to consult with a professional to help you analyze the situation you are in and put your ideas in order to make the best decision.

7. Forgive or forget

It may be that, after the act of infidelity, the trust between you has been completely broken and that you do not see the possibility of continuing the relationship without the wounds interfering with your daily life, and that therefore you consider that it is better not to continue with the relationship.

The final decision to make is a very personal question that only you can assess according to the balance you makeand it can depend on many factors such as what type of infidelity has occurred, whether it was something specific or something prolonged over time, whether it was purely sexual or also emotional, or the amount of time you had been together and the things you shared. In the end, as Roy Galán says in one of his video podcasts, you have to assess if you are in the right place in a relationship.

If you decide to forgive infidelity, It is possible that over time you will see that the experience of this difficult experience has actually helped you get to know each other and your respective needs better. After all, no one is perfect and making our mistakes known without falling into censorship, despite the disappointment that this may imply in the people around us, can be beneficial in the long term.

8. Rebuild the relationship

If you decide to continue with the relationship, you have to assume that the past is part of the past and be able to wipe the slate clean. Therefore, everything that has to be talked about must be clear so that it interferes in the future of your relationship as little as possible.

The relationship has to be rethought and start again, re-establishing a new commitment, under renewed premises that both of you must know.

9. Take care of your self-esteem

In the first moments of knowing about infidelity, It is very important that you dedicate time to doing things that you like, that you give yourself some treatsthat you realize your worth, and that you see the entirety of your life beyond your relationship.

However, there is no silver lining and we have good news: several studies have discovered that people who have suffered infidelity enjoy greater self-esteem and that this has led them to a greater personal growth.

10. Your priority is you

You are the center of your lifeand you can decide as much as you can how you want it to be. The actions that others do do not depend only on you, they are not under your control, and that is a reality that we have to accept and the reason why we should stop blaming ourselves and taking excessive responsibility, as long as we consider that we have acted in the best possible way.

After all, you are more than any of the relationships you have with the people around you, and that is something you should never question. That is why it is very important to know yourself well, know what things make you happy and what hurt youto know what you need and give you what is best for you.

Bibliographic references:

Jackman, M. (2015). Understanding the cheating heart: what determines infidelity intentions? Sexuality & Culture, 19, 72-84.

Spring, J. A. (2012). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. New York: William Morrow.