The first question you should ask yourself is: «Do I want to save this relationship or do I want to leave it?» If you want to leave it, why try to save it? However, if you made the decision that it is still worth the desire and effort, this article is for you.
Instead of typical relationship advice about reconciliation and improving communication, learning how to fix a relationship means changing certain things about yourself and your partner, and doing some inner growth in the process. And that is exactly what these 7 rules and options will do.
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Here are 7 easy actions any couple can take to save a relationship:
1. Be honest with yourself about your main intention.
In which category do you fall in the intention to protect, or the intention to learn?
Is your primary intention to protect yourself from your fears with some form of controlling behavior such as anger, guilt, criticism, lack of love, threats, submission, or resistance? Is having power over your partner and winning more important to you than loving yourself and your partner? Do you hold your partner responsible for your feelings? Are you more dedicated to getting love and avoiding rejection, rather than reciprocity, caring, and shared love?
Or is your main intention to learn to love yourself and your partner? Are you more dedicated to reciprocity, caring, and shared love than being right, winning, getting your way, or holding your partner responsible for your feelings? Is learning more important to you than whether or not you receive approval?
Basic to all other rules is the intention to learn to love yourself and others.
If your main intention is to protect yourself from hurt and rejection with controlling behavior, you will have no chance of improving your relationship. You will continue to create the very problems you are trying to avoid with your controlling behavior.
2. Let go of the past.
Holding on to old complaints is part of the intention to protect. Blaming her partner for her pain instead of taking responsibility for the choices she made that resulted in her unhappiness.
3. Disconnect from the conflict as soon as one person is unwilling to learn.
There is no point in trying to talk about problems and issues unless both people are open to learning. If you are open and your partner is not, then stop trying to solve problems by talking about them and unilaterally figure out how to lovingly guard yourself against your partner’s choices.
4. Share only about yourself and your own learning.
Stop analyzing or defining your partner. Stop aggressively interrogating and asking really attacking questions. These behaviors they are controlling and invasive.
Your job is to define yourself, not your partner! The more you define your own inner value and stop trying to define your partner, the better your relationship will be.
5. Do your own work to deal with abandonment issues and define your own worth.
Instead of holding your partner responsible for your fears of abandonment either your fears of losing yourself, do your inner healing work to overcome these fears. Take full responsibility for these fears instead of holding your partner responsible for causing them.
6. Accept your lack of control over your partner.
Instead, choose to see your partner as their own person.
Learn to appreciate differences instead of trying to turn your partner into you. Support your partner in becoming all that they came to be on this planet. Support your partner in what brings you joy, taking responsibility for any fears that your partner’s independence brings you.
7. Be kind to yourself and others, even when your fears are triggered.
Once again, if you are trapped in the protection and control mentality, you will not be able to make these decisions. Your intention to learn is basic to being able to make these decisions and improve your relationship.
You are in charge of your intention, and the option to let go of the intention to protect/control and move on to the intention of learning to love yourself and your partner is always available to you.